My mom and me
From the beginning, my mom and my wife were at odds with each other. My mom was very judgmental and had no qualms about offering her opinion. My wife, rightly so, did not appreciate my mom’s meddling. And I often felt like I was caught in the middle.
The conflict finally reached critical mass after I had a particularly bitter argument with my mom. I smugly wrote her a letter telling her that she was no longer in my life. I felt justified in sending it. What a clueless, self-righteous dolt I was. My dad told me later that my mom cried when she read the letter and had trouble sleeping for days afterward.
It didn’t take long for my mom and me to start talking again, but something important was missing. We had always had an incredibly wonderful and loving relationship. She had doted on me from day one and we had always been extraordinarily close. But now there was a distance between us. I no longer told her that I loved her because saying those words didn’t feel quite right anymore.
I don’t remember how long the rift between us lasted. It may have been months, but it seemed like years. Over time, it gradually dissipated until one day there was no longer any bitterness or bruised feelings. Only love. What happened? There was no breakthrough moment or incident. We both just awakened to a new understanding—that love is all that matters and that we had both acted very foolishly.
My mom traces her wake-up call to the day a friend of hers explained why Yom Kippur is a day of forgiveness. Realizing that her constant criticism was poisoning our relationship, my mom decided that she would stop judging us and allow us to live our lives as we saw fit. The moment she committed to that decision, she felt an enormous burden lift from her shoulders. More importantly, her heart was at peace.
I attribute my own awakening to the cumulative effect of walking my spiritual path. Step by step, the pieces slowly clicked into place and I finally started to “get it.” I recall that my mom and I had a tearful conversation one day that was fairly anti-climactic. We already knew that we were past the hurt and resentment. Our hearts were once again pure and filled with love for each other. We were mother and son once more, the way we always had been and the way we always will be.
Writing that letter to my mom is the greatest regret of my life. Now that my daughter is grown, I can’t begin to imagine the excruciating pain I would feel if I received such a letter from her. If anything could destroy me, that would be it. I recently told my mom that I still felt anguish about putting her through such torment. She waved off my concern with a loving smile. We were both wrong, she said, but none of that matters anymore.
She’s right. It doesn’t matter. I know I was angry at my mom but I can no longer remember what that felt like. The power of unconditional love vaporizes any and all non-loving feelings as if they had never existed. And pure, loving forgiveness washes away every last trace of hurt.
My mom and I aren’t the only ones who learned the value of love and forgiveness. My now ex-wife and my mom are the best of friends and dearly love one another. We’ve been divorced for more than fourteen years but we all still get together for the holidays and consider ourselves one big happy family. And indeed, that is exactly what we are.
HERE ARE MY FORGIVENESS-RELATED POSTS
Eva Kor: A Holocaust Survivor Forgives the Unforgiveable
Immaculee Ilibagiza: A Rwanda Genocide Survivor Who Could Only Know Peace Through Forgiveness
Tyler Perry Forgives His Abusive Father
Billy Vera: Forgiveness is the Doorway to Heaven
My Video Interview with Spiritual Medium James Van Praagh
My 2002 Magazine Interview with Wayne Dyer
Caroline Myss Video on How Forgiveness Promotes Physical and Emotional Healing
Rewrite Your Story Through Forgiveness
Love + Forgiveness = Relationship Repair
A Prayer for Sending People Light and Love
ABOUT PHIL BOLSTA
Phil is the author of Sixty Seconds: One Moment Changes Everything, a collection of 45 inspiring, life-changing stories from prominent people he interviewed, including Joan Borysenko, Deepak Chopra, geneticist Dr. Francis Collins, acclaimed sportswriter Frank Deford, Dr. Larry Dossey, Wayne Dyer, Dan Millman, Caroline Myss, Dr. Christiane Northrup, Dr. Dean Ornish, Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, Dr. Bernie Siegel, James Van Praagh, singer Billy Vera, Doreen Virtue, Neale Donald Walsch, and bassist Victor Wooten.
Here is a three-minute video that introduces you to Phil and his book.
Reading this book is like spending a few minutes face to face with each of the contributors and listening to their personal stories. Click here to read unsolicited testimonials from readers. Learn more by visiting the official Sixty Seconds website.
Tags: argument, biggest regret, criticism, forgiveness, love, loving relationship, Mom, mother-in-law meddling, self-righteous, spiritual
April 13, 2009 at 5:48 PM
I love the wonderful people and grains of knowledge and wisdom I have been blessed to find online. It is wonderful that you have been open to growth in your life. You know that we become like the people and thoughts we choose to associate with. Scripture and our own friendships bear this out. Communication and respect are vital as well. does not always have to be verbal either as you know. You have a wonderful mom there and a wise dad as well.
April 13, 2009 at 5:53 PM
Thank you for the kind words, Charlene. And welcome to my blog!