The response to my earlier post on what women want from men was so positive that I put together this post to explore the issue from a different angle. But first, a few ground rules:
• This entire post is based on generalizations; obviously, there are exceptions to every rule of thumb. Some may protest the use of stereotypes, but there is often enough truth in them to lightheartedly convey valuable insights.
• The terms “attractive” and “beautiful” refer to cultural and media standards, not to a woman’s inner beauty.
• The term “good in relationships” refers to men who are emotionally available, good communicators, hunger for emotional intimacy with their partner and know how to make a woman feel cherished.
• Certainly, many beautiful women have found their soulmates. I am simply contending that it’s a mistake to assume that an attractive woman can find Mr. Right as easily as she can find Mr. Right Now.
TWELVE REASONS WHY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN HAVE TROUBLE FINDING MR. RIGHT
1) The more attractive the woman, the more likely she will be approached by the kind of man who approaches attractive women. This kind of man views hunting, seducing and conquering women as sport.
The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him.
Immanuel Kant
2) To a hunter, a woman’s body is a commodity; he wins the game by getting her into bed. To a nice guy, a woman’s body is a sacred treasure; he wins her heart by honoring who she is as a person.
If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I’m still waiting, it’s all been to seduce women basically.
Jean-Paul Sartre
3) Hunters view women as nothing more than prey. By definition, nice guys are missing the “seducer” gene; even if they knew how to “play the game,” their conscience would never allow them to sweet-talk and manipulate a woman for their own selfish interests.
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
Jay McInerney
4) Seducers are more likely to suffer from the disorder known as IAAMATT (It’s All About Me All The Time). Nice guys are more likely to be empathetic, nurturing and other-centered.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
5) A woman turns to makeup and fashion to boost her self-esteem and make herself more desirable to men. Yet ironically, the more beautiful she makes herself, the better her chances of attracting the wrong type of guy.
It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.
Mae West
6) The more attractive the woman, the less likely she will be approached by the kind of man who is good in relationships. Conversely, the less attractive the man, the less likely he will approach a woman who is far more attractive than he is. That said, are there nice guys who are attractive enough and/or courageous enough to ask out a beautiful woman? Certainly. But they are a rare breed.
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.
Marge Piercy
7) The kind of man who values emotional intimacy often looks at a beautiful woman and thinks, “She’s out of my league.” That is the overwhelming reason why so many women are wondering why nobody (or at least nobody worth going out with) ever asks them out. Essentially, seducers view a woman’s beauty as an invitation; nice guys view it as a deterrent.
If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
8) Since beautiful women are only approached by hunters, they understandably think that most, if not all, men treat women the way that hunters do. Meanwhile, the nice guys sit in the back of the room and admire her from afar. Of course, identifying the nice guys isn’t that simple; a man may be quiet and reserved, but just because he doesn’t act like a seducer doesn’t mean he doesn’t aspire to be one. The wolf in sheep’s clothing is just one more obstacle on the path to finding Mr. Right.
O Woman, you are not merely the handiwork of God, but also of men; these are ever endowing you with beauty from their own hearts . . . You are one-half woman and one-half dream.
Rabindranath Tagore
9) If a woman wants to be swept off her feet by a man who would also make a good lifetime partner, she is apt to be disappointed. The kind of charmers who are sweep-her-off-her-feeters are often the polar opposite of the kind of men who are good in relationships.
When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner
10) A nice guy is primarily relationship-oriented; he may first be attracted to a woman’s external beauty, but it is her internal beauty he values most highly. A hunter is exclusively achievement-oriented; he does not value what a woman thinks, says or feels; all that matters is that she has a woman’s body and he wants to get his hands on it.
Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
Conan O’Brien
11) If and when a hunter decides to “retire” from hunting and get married, he chooses a woman he can possess for her beauty, not one he can build an emotionally intimate partnership with. What so many admiring men and envious women fail to see is that, throughout a woman’s entire life, her beauty can be as much a curse as it is a blessing.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin
12) Women who are less attractive to the type of men who only pursue attractive women are more likely to have higher-quality interactions with men. Why? Nice guys are often more comfortable asking out women who they feel are more likely to agree to go out with them.
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.
Katherine Hepburn
The twelve reasons above are daunting enough but they’re based on beauty alone. What if the beautiful woman in question is also brilliant and a successful high achiever? Yep, timid nice guys would view her as even more intimidating and unapproachable. Ah, but in Mr. Right’s eyes, those qualities would make her even more perfectly beautiful. Paging Mr. Right . . . Paging Mr. Right . . .
THE FOUR-WORD SOLUTION
The solution to this dating dilemma is obvious. As a female reader so succinctly commented: “Man up, nice guys!” After all, if a guy isn’t man enough to ask a woman out, he probably isn’t quality relationship material anyway. Chances are that a guy who’s intimidated by a woman’s beauty would put that woman on a pedestal if by some chance they did start dating. Excessive doting might sound like a problem many women would be willing to endure but life on a pedestal can get old very quickly. A mature woman wants a partner who treats her as an equal; she will settle for nothing less than being authentically loved, not mindlessly worshipped. In short, a woman cures a man’s addiction to doting by acting as the anti-dote.
Demanding that nice guys man up is obvious, yes, but a tall order. In order to approach a beautiful woman, a man needs to have healthy self-esteem. The greater his autonomy, self-knowledge, and self-confidence, the greater the likelihood he will feel worthy of being with an attractive woman. In short, a nice guy has to stop dreaming and start getting after it by doing the inner work that so many guys are reluctant to do.
Ultimately, of course, to make a relationship work, both the man and the woman have to see and appreciate the inner beauty of each other’s souls as well as their own. When that day comes, external beauty will be little more than an afterthought.
Click here to read my post on what women want from men. If you’re one of the three billion men on this planet who claim to have no clue, the answer is very simple.
Click here to view all my posts about romantic relationships.
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Phil is the author of Through God’s Eyes: Finding Peace and Purpose in a Troubled World, a comprehensive guide to living a spiritual life. Who will benefit from reading it?
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Tags: men, relatinoships, romance, women
September 14, 2010 at 2:22 AM
I feel a bit conceited lumping myself into the category of beautiful women, but I have definitely experienced most of what you wrote about. If I sit back, the type of men who approach me are generally not the type of men I am looking for, for all of the reasons you detailed above. The problem is that when I take matters into my own hands I find most nice, more reserved guys don’t appreciate me coming up to them. It’s as if we have switched roles and I am the conceited hunter.
The conclusion I came to is that the best way to meet people is to treat everyone like a good friend, with the same amount of love and respect. If something is going to develop beyond that, let it happen organically instead of having expectations when meeting someone.
The only rub is that because I don’t want to spend time involving myself with hunters, I have to be more patient (more often single). That said, I believe I have more meaningful romantic relationships overall.
September 14, 2010 at 7:56 AM
I appreciate the feedback, Jackie Rose. Your comments bring up a couple of good points. First, yes, you are attractive! Second, will nice guys welcome attractive women approaching them? Your experience says probably not. This is a bit of a head scratcher to me. I suspect that the element of surprise is at fault here. Since this rarely happens, guys aren’t expecting it and may stumble all over themselves not knowing how to respond. Third, while a woman doesn’t want to deal with wolves, she also probably wants a guy to be man enough to at least do the asking out. So ultimately, I think it comes down to the guy finding the courage to overcome the intimidation factor and just go for it. Developing that self-confidence bodes well not only for the initial contact but also for the relationship to follow.
September 15, 2010 at 8:10 PM
I can also relate, unfortunately, to some of these experiences. While I’ve never considered myself outrageously beautiful, I have sensed that I’m intimidating to some men. I want to attract the nice ones, but they’re too shy, and I’m often too shy to approach them.
I think I have also developed a general mis-trust of men, assuming even the nice ones are a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” I refuse to allow myself to be fooled, so I end up missing out on a lot of good men because I err too far on the side of caution.
September 15, 2010 at 9:59 PM
Totally understandable, Hannah. I imagine most of us have romantic regrets to some degree. Sometimes it’s good to be cautious, but sometimes it’s good to throw caution to the wind. May you make the right choices going forward.
September 25, 2010 at 3:14 AM
so true
good post
September 25, 2010 at 8:18 AM
Thank you, Farouk.
January 30, 2011 at 6:10 PM
Very good job, Phil. I wonder if you have answer for my question. I am attractive, get a lot of attention (looks), and zero actions. I think the problem is my age. I look 15 ears younger. At 45, I am mistaken for 30-32. Was married 3 times- first at 16,lasted 15 years, other 2 marriages-met them both on-line, married shortly thereafter. The second guy was a jerk, Still friends with the last one. It has been a VERY long time since a guy approached me. Is it because they are unsure about my age?
January 30, 2011 at 6:13 PM
I highly doubt that, Sam. Guys usually like younger women. Do you want to get approached and asked out? If that’s the vibe you’re projecting, I’d think you would get lots of attention. WIthout knowing more, it’s hard to say.
March 13, 2011 at 11:36 PM
I’m adding this article to my favorites. It truly hits home!! I either meet the hunter or the nice guy who leaves me because he doesn’t feel he’s “good enough.” Although I’m a model, I wouldn’t consider myself drop dead gorgeous or someone who isn’t approachable; I think I’m cute. I have two bachelor degrees, I’m pursuing a master’s degree, and my next step is medical school and I’m still in my 20′s. I haven’t had a man approach me since in over 7 months until about two weeks ago. I told him that men don’t approach me and that it’s extremely difficult for me to meet men, and he scoffed like I was exaggerating or lying. I don’t know why men think it’s a foreign concept to be pretty and dateless. Men look at me, but it’s very rare that I get approached as anything other than a pretty face and it’s frustrating!! Since I haven’t met a man who I felt was interested in meeting me and not using me as arm candy, I’ve stopped going out to avoid the disappointment. I’ve given up on finding a nice guy because it just doesn’t seem possible. The men I’ve dated tell me that I’m sweet, so one would think that if you’re pretty & kind you wouldn’t be single, but that theory is far from true. I’m seeing now that beauty can be more of a setback because you’re seen as a “beautiful thing” not a potentially interesting person. Thank you once again for the article. It’s shed light on my bleak dating situation.
March 14, 2011 at 6:55 AM
Jovannie, you are the walking, talking embodiment of everything I wrote about here. For your sake, I wish that wasn’t the case, but I’m glad you found validation and value in this post. If I may make a suggestion, I would advise you to turn the tables and ask a guy out if you meet someone who interests you. I can assure you that there are many guys who would love to go out with you but who won’t take the initiative for the reasons stated here. Once you break the ice, you have a much better chance of finding what you’re looking for. Good luck to you!
March 20, 2011 at 7:40 AM
Phil – I will most definitely look to buy your book on this topic. I have, my entire life, had difficulties with relationships. I have been married three times – two short ones – one for ten years with children. My husband, when divorcing me, said “Why couldn’t you just be the beautiful wife, on my arm. Why did you have to screw it up?” My mom was a model in NY, I was a model, and danced for eight years. I am a professional woman now n my 50′s – single for 20 years now. I date, and the last time I put my profile on a dating site, I got 1283 responses in two months – some of them really crazy men, saying crazy things to me. This is the first time I am finding this information. I actually did a search on why we physically favored women have such a terrible time. I found you and your book. I am sad that maybe I will never find a man who loves me for the intelligent, sensitive, kind woman I am. Just men who are attracted to me, all the time for the wrong reasons. I am followed in stores, I have to always watch out. I don’t dress any different from anyone else – sometimes jeans, shirt, etc.
I have never asked any man out. I have never in my life in any dating site, winked, or talked to a man first. Afraid I would be taken as a pushy dominant woman.
Gee – I will have to read your book – and see what I can do to finally be happy.
March 20, 2011 at 8:14 AM
Claudia, I am sorry to hear of your experiences with men. Sorry, but not surprised. I remember feeling sad when a beautiful friend of mine told me that she was frustrated because she felt like she always had to wait until a guy asked her out, which meant she pretty much never went out with guys she wanted to go out with. Most guys don’t have a clue about such things.
Unfortunately, my book has nothing to do with this topic. I wish I could be of more help to you. All I can offer is another post I wrote on what women want from men:
http://bolstablog.wordpress.com/2008/12/23/cherish/
As far as finding a man who understands all this? I’d recommend looking for someone who’s into spirituality, yoga, healthy living, etc. No guarantees, of course, but at least there’s a glimmer of hope.
May you find what you’re looking for, Claudia.
March 20, 2011 at 9:14 PM
I have to agree with the majority by saying this article is the answer to a lot of concerns we as women have about where in the world Mr. Right is hiding. I am attractive, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that, but I’m not conceited at all. I’m actually very friendly, very approachable, and one of those people that give you my undivided attention when in a conversation. With that being said I find more times than not guys who I am not attracted to at all (all the wrong guys) get the confidence from somewhere to ask me out, or ask for my phone number, and become very bold. My roommate from college said she could see how guys might think I’m giving them special attention/treatment by engaging in a conversation with them and them not knowing that my personality is just very warm and welcoming.
I can also agree with Hannah with certain type of guys being intimidated by me. I’m an executive in corporate America, the youngest person in my whole business college training program for my current position, so guys my age (20s) who aren’t as successful as I am tend to shy away. I am attracted to the nice guys, but they’re oftentimes too shy to approach me or sometimes try a little too hard to impress me, and that just makes it worse. Hannah made a great point about even the nice ones could fool you (haha).. I have never really let myself collapse completely in any relationship, I’ve always been myself which I think is important for a woman. So many times it’s the women in the relationship changing, and are left heartbroken.
March 20, 2011 at 9:23 PM
Thank you for your comment, LRenee. Yes, I imagine that the intimidation factor is doubled or tripled when a beautiful woman is also a capable, confident executive. It sounds like you have a very healthy approach and I wish you luck in finding what you’re looking for!
March 21, 2011 at 8:48 PM
I very much appreciate your article on Beautiful Women and finding mr. right. I found my mr. right, but he has ever failed to pursue me and now we are divorcing. it’s interesting the idea of equality…seeing and treating someone as an equal. This has been a desire of mine, but the way it played out was that i put my spouse on a pedestal (appreciated who he was, talked him up, served him to my utmost, etc) — bc he deserves it. But I believe I deserve it, too! I just never *received* this kind of equality. I knew my value; I just never experienced it through his eyes — or through his expressions. He was rather lacking in expression. It’s a wonder he “caught” me at all. He is easy to talk to. I used to be able to tell him everything, until we became romantically involved. Then it all stopped.
Frankly, I do find myself attracted to the pursuer — as a pursuer myself. I like to pursue and like to keep the pursuit going. When should we ever stop learning who our beloved is? When should we ever stop being grateful for them out loud, in public? When should we ever stop being tender and affectionate with them? When should we ever stop serving them? I say NEVER.
The marriage lasted almost 2 decades…of me waiting to be pursued. He was SO good at talking and listening, until we got romantic. But no, hubby was not a pursuer, which is why I might be attracted to pursuers. Dangerous business. I’m stepping away from the testosterone. and brandishing a fork, bc I do see predators out there.
So my downfall is that I am attracted to brilliant overachievers, who capture what they pursue and then stop, focus on their own selfish interests and leave me behind or I leave them behind. I want a pursuer who is committed to ME: both as a woman and as a human being.
Anyway, I saw A LOT of truth in the blog entry you posted, and I thank you. It was timely.
March 21, 2011 at 9:30 PM
I’m sorry to hear that your relationship didn’t work out, Marie. Yes, pursuit should be a lifelong ambition, in terms of pursuing knowledge about your partner. Couldn’t agree more.
April 30, 2011 at 7:49 PM
Hey Phil !
This was fabulous reading—good job :)
I think the solution is a spiritual one:
Firstly, there is NO ” Mr. Right” !
( Hollywood lied ! )
There is only Ms. Right within us and once we learn to truly love and honor ourselves as women — beautiful or not — we will hopefully draw into our lives, the mirror and reflection of who we truly are internally—not externally.
We are all being asked ( by spirit) to drop the externals and find within, what we are searching for, outside of ourselves.
Since we rarely had parental role models for this paradigm shift, we are struggling with this “homework assignment’.
So, ladies, look in the mirror and Love Thyself and then your true reflection will manifest —– IF we ALLOW it !!
I am preaching to the choir, but, irregardless, it’s the Highest Truth I know of in the growth we are struggling to BECOME.
Thanx for this opportunity to preach to myself :)
Blessings Phil !
April 30, 2011 at 7:53 PM
Couldn’t agree more, Carol. That’s why I ended the post with this paragraph:
Ultimately, of course, to make a relationship work, both the man and the woman have to see and appreciate the inner beauty of each other’s souls as well as their own. When that day comes, external beauty will be little more than an afterthought.
May 29, 2011 at 12:44 PM
This explains a lot. Boy, do I relate. I think all ten of the Davids I dated have predator dispositions.
“The voices in my head sing to me a cappella. I wear the traveling shoes of a weathered Cinderella.”
Holly Schroeder, Feminist
May 29, 2011 at 1:22 PM
May you find the anti-David sooner rather than later, Holly. Thanks for stopping by!
August 1, 2011 at 5:52 PM
So nice and refreshing to run into your blog Phil. I resorted to reading your blog because I need a positive note to hang on to after this past year or two of getting back in the dating game. I’m a 52 year old recently divorced, passionate, good-looking, young-hearted, extremely independent woman. Sorry, not conceited – just confident. Irregardless, I resorted to joining twitter because of my horrific experience in the awful world of “online dating” which left me nothing less of baffled and totally confused. The men I date range from 42-49 (younger, but which I consider in my age range — please correct me if there’s a misconception here, I’ve never dated men my age actually fyi). Surprisingly, it never seizes to amaze me how non-commital, game-playing, and emotionally unavailable these guys truly are; however, they say they want to be in a relationship. Hello, no you don’t! Or is it me? I value myself, maintain certain standards, have class, am a good communicator/conversationalist, and possess emotional and social intelligence — am I asking too much from a man to value all this and is it too high of an expectation for men to handle the honesty I express in what I seek and want? Like honesty and monogomy for starters would be good. Thank you for your blog, I’ll be an avid reader. And people, if you think you’ll have it all figured out when you’re 52, surprise! Life throws lots of curve balls so either run really fast or get out of the way because they will still be coming at ya!! And if you catch one, well good for you, but there’s still another one coming, I promise. Thanks for hearing me out Phil, God Speed.
August 1, 2011 at 7:41 PM
Thanks so much for responding, Sylvie. I’m glad you found the post meaningful. First of all, it’s great that you’re 52 because that means you’re finally playing with a full deck! As for finding men who are mature, honest, good-hearted and emotionally available, the first thing that comes to mind is meeting them at places where people on a spiritual path congregate. But, of course, there are no guarantees there either. Lots of women are looking for a good man, and lots of men are looking for a good woman. Why it’s so difficult to find someone who is honest and monogamous is beyond me. There are a lot of men out there who give men a bad name. I wish I could be of more help to you and all the other single people looking for a good match.
August 10, 2011 at 7:44 AM
Every women I know regardless of their size, age or beauty will tell you they’ve all met and perhaps even dated Mr. Right-now a few times over. I’ve also know many nice, intelligent and good looking guys who were just clueless or too shy to approach a women they found interesting and attractive. Please write a longer article about nice guys “manning up.”
August 10, 2011 at 7:50 AM
“Clueless” is a good word to describe it, Dona. To some extent, I have written a post about guys manning up as far as treating women the way they want and need to be treated. Here it is: http://bolstablog.wordpress.com/2008/12/23/cherish/
October 12, 2011 at 7:24 AM
Very interesting…but there is no solution from what i read except if I start going out in sweats, no makeup and a ponytail. I guess too it could be our faults as women. Because the “few nice” guys who had the galls to approach me or went on a date, they weren’t into really taking care of themselves. I’m firm believer you work with whatcha got. Meaning, doesn’t matter if you are attractive but doesn’t mean you should take care of yourself…Perplexing but it does answer my question when I look at married couples walking in the streets, sometimes you’ll see one very good looking partner with one that is average by society standards. Maybe they were the exception to the rule.
October 12, 2011 at 7:48 AM
No, there is not a one-size-fits-all solution, Jenni. But a good place to start would be raising your awareness of the dynamics at play, which you’ve already done simply by reading this post. It’s also a good idea to more consciously develop your ability to discern others’ character and intentions, which, of course, would be beneficial in all areas of life. The more attuned you are to your own intuition, the better your chances of success in any kind of relationship. Yes, there are good guys out there who “get it” and who are confident and bold in a good way; there probably just aren’t as many of them as women would like there to be.
October 20, 2011 at 3:26 AM
I am SO glad that I found this site. I am sick and tired of having men and my women friends tell me that I’m beautiful. I’m going to puke if I see one more guy staring at me at a singles dance or at a dinner party or some other event and not coming over to introduce himself and talk with me. I am sick and tired of being viewed as a “thing” and not as a person. I don’t want to hear that I look like Rita Hayworth. I don’t want to hear that I look like Natalie Wood. Whoever people think I look like, I don’t care who they think I look like! I am ME! I am an individual. I am a person. I am a human being. I am not some piece of meat for some idiotic guy’s “harem”!
Having found this site and read the above article, at least I can validate to myself that there is nothing wrong with me and that it’s the guys out there who are the problem. I have heard from women who are very attractive and from others who are plain that they are not finding any “good guy” out there. All that is crossing their path are players and cheaters.
It doesn’t matter if the lady is beautiful (yet not conceited), loving, kind (takes the guy to the hospital when it appears that he is having a heart attack on a date with her and he refuses to call an ambulance and then changed her plans the next day in order to stay with him and make sure he was all right), patient (completely impotent guy, yet she ignored the situation and didn’t place sexual demands on him), sensual, highly sexual (so it was easy for her to be pleased with whatever minor thing the guy could manage to do sexually), a good conversationalist, a loyal friend, funny, fun to be with, enjoys a variety of social activities (so the guy is able to go to many different places on outings with her and have a great day together), highly educated with an advanced degree (yet not acting like an intellectual or expecting the guy to be one), playful, youthful (naturally youthful, not trying to “act” young), has a job, owns her own house, gets along well with the former husband (so there is no crazy ex hanging around), and she has an over-all balanced life. The guy still doesn’t want to be with a woman like that.
I don’t even use the word “man” any longer. As you might have noticed, I use the word “guys.” To me, the word “man” has a very special meaning, and I use it ONLY when referring to a male who is honorable, kind, loving, has morals, and is MONOGAMOUS. That is a man to be honored, respected, and looked up to. It’s the type of man that the lady who is with him should, every once in a while, let him know that she appreciates him.
If a guy can’t honor his lady by being exclusively hers, just as she is exclusively his, and by developing not just an exciting yet soothing and calm physical, emotional, sensual, sexual, and spiritual relationship, I have NO interest in him. In fact, I have become so disappointed, angry, resentful, and now repulsed by men, that I can’t imagine why I ever thought they were to be respected and valued. As a result of my very negative experiences since I divorced and started dating 6 years ago, I stopped dating 3 years ago after my last major hurt. I chose not to continue putting myself out there only to be emotionally injured by those creeps masquerading as “nice guys.” Essentially, I lost trust in my ability to judge guys and thus to choose correctly in deciding whether I should give my time to the guy and date him or whether to pass on it.
As a 53-year-old woman, having been married for almost 25 years to a man who was definitely relationship material, who is monogamous, who enjoys being married, and who likes being with his lady (he remarried one year after our divorce), I am not about to settle for some over-the-hill, over-weight, unkept, ungroomed slob (no hair where it’s supposed to be – on the head, and a bunch of hair where it’s not supposed to be – the face and mouth), who can’t even function sexually, yet who disrespects me and puts my health and my very life at risk by trying to have sex with everything that moves – whether he is actively seeking out the women or whether he just takes what comes his way in the form of women who throw themselves at men. Those women play a huge part in today’s male player/seducer/cheater problem. Bottom line: there are no morals nowadays. The so-called Women’s Lib movement destroyed any advantage or “power” that women had and exponentially increased the power that men have over women. Very ironic, because that is not what the Women’s Lib was trying to do, but it’s what they got through their misguided and short-sighted conduct.
In this modern day, the guys all want to be “free” to do what they want, when they want it, with whoever they want it. This is the result of their being self-centered, selfish, egotistical and self-indulgent. The freedom they think they have by being “free” to be with whoever strikes their fancy at any point in time is no freedom at all; it is actually a prison where the guys are slaves to their own self-indulgence! Mutual in-love and mutual love free us from the chains of our own selfishness and makes each of us a better person for ourselves and for our beloved. It leads to the highest level of love that results in a spiritual bonding.
Enough said.
October 20, 2011 at 3:46 AM
It has been very helpful for me to vent my frustrations – nay, resentment ( :)) on this page. I feel my sense of humor inching to the surface again.
Now, to the point, I did want to add one more factual observation. It is this: I don’t think that guys are “afraid” of beautiful or of very attractive women.
I think that nowadays, the issue is sex. The guys are focused on sex, so as soon as they get a whiff of the fact that the woman is a LADY, that she RESPECTS HERSELF, and thus she is not going to be spreading her legs any time soon (or perhaps ever, for that matter, if she doesn’t develop an attraction for the guy during the “get-to-know-each-other” stage), the guy won’t even give her the time of day or spend any time in a conversation with her.
There are so man IDIOTIC GUYS out there who, as soon as they meet the lady, start talking about sex. I had one moron ask me, within 20 minutes of having our first conversation over a dinner, how long I waited before having sex. I felt offended and insulted by his lack of manners and social skills. Another guy stated to me, again within the first 20 minutes or so of conversation, that he didn’t date women who hadn’t had sex in over 2 years, then proceeded to ask me when was the last time I had sex. Yet another guy took me to an initial dinner and as dinner was ending, asked me to go to his house to see his garden and his collection of various types of peppers. I seriously doubt that he wanted to show me the peppers in his garden – the only pepper he wanted me to see was the one attached to his body! I gave him the answer he deserved; he then backtracked and said I had misunderstood his intentions and reverted to masquerading as a “gentleman;” he asked me out on a second date, and when I didn’t go back to his house after the second date, he didn’t call again, which was perfectly AOK with me because I had no intention of wasting any more of my time on someone who I had been able to determine was a player (and an unattractive one at that) looking for a desperate broad who would spread her legs as soon as possible.
Where…oh, where…are the REAL MEN?! If I find them, I am going to establish an auction house and “sell” them to the highest female bidder. :)
October 20, 2011 at 3:58 AM
Thank you for your passionate comments, A.S. I am sorry to hear about your all-too-common experiences with guys who give men a bad name. However, I can assure you that the issue is NOT sex. I stand by the statement that a good percentage of men are intimidated by beautiful women and wouldn’t dream of asking such a woman out for the reasons laid out in this post. Unfortunately that means a lot of good men and good women are not spending time together.
October 20, 2011 at 5:25 PM
Thanks for the info, Phil. It’s helpful to hear a guy’s perspective. However, I do have to share that I (and most women I have spoken with or heard speak on this issue at workshops and conventions, which is hundreds by now) believe a lot of guys have no problem inviting a beautiful woman out, but once they can tell that she is not promiscuous, based on her behavior, how she carries herself, the topics of conversation that she will enge in and not engage, they will not continue asking her out. It appears to be as simple as that.
Case in point, the thousands of nasty “personals” listed on a daily basis by men on Craigslist (which, in its failure to remove explicit sexual messages and ads, has become a promoter of casual sex, porn, prostitution, and child rape).
As to men approaching beautiful women. The first part of the issue is having the guys approach us and talk to us; then the second part of the issue is whether they approached us because there is something in us that they liked (more than just our looks) and they want to get to know us better, or whether they are just trying to figure out whether we will agree to sex quickly or whether we are real women, which means that we view sex as part of a loving relationship and not just as a stand-alone activity.
Well, I think this is my last post in the thread. I shared everything that I thought was important and that might help other women. I could have written it better, but hey, writing on the fly like this is not easy. :)
Ciao.
October 20, 2011 at 6:02 PM
Everything you said is accurate, A.S., as long as you’re talking about the kind of men who are hunters or predators. I can assure you that not all men are like that. Not by a long shot. It’s understandable that you and the women you talk to don’t see this because, as I wrote in the post, since beautiful women are only approached by hunters, they understandably think that most, if not all, men treat women the way that hunters do. The nice guys who are not looking only for sex are the very ones who are too intimidated by your beauty to approach you. Believe me, as a guy, I know what I’m talking about.
December 6, 2011 at 1:06 AM
Hi, Phil – thanks so much for directing me to your blog! I find this subject infinitely fascinating. Although I have lots of experience in the dating world, I’ve never tried to put some of these concepts into words. I am also in the unusual situation of being an escort, but that aside, when I’m out and about on a Friday night with the girls, generally no one will come up to us! If a guy does, he’s usually drunk (liquid courage-haha) and we just politely send him on his way. I have personally never had much experience with the hunter type of guy. I have had that type ask me out, date me and turn out not to be a hunter any more – I’ve gone out with a guy that people would label a “player” and I would have no idea!
Maybe it’s the way I handle those guys? I personally won’t engage in conversation for long with someone who isn’t acting respectfully. It’s easy to tell when someone is just trying to get you into bed. Of course I want an attractive man to be attracted to me. There’s a big and obvious difference between someone being sexually stimulated by my beauty and approaching me because of that and someone who’s trying to f$*k me.
Why give those hunter guys a chance to be hunters? Why not make them communicate with you on your terms? I have “rules” for dating and one of them is I don’t ask men out and I don’t have casual sex. People may find that odd because I am an escort, but in my personal life, I demand a lot from someone who I’m going to spend my “free” time with : ) I have casual sex for a living, I’m not going to do it for entertainment or because I’m seeking some kind of fulfillment.
What makes those men hunters any way? Maybe the way they have been treated by women – maybe they are used to women objectifying them, so they are just going with it? I’ve found that men who have that attitude will tone it way down when they know that you aren’t going to be an “easy” mark. When you demand respect, they will give it – if they won’t they are a sociopath, so no loss there! If you make the hunter pursue you on your terms, you can get what you want – you just have to know what you want and be honest about it. There are some guys who are hunters because no one has ever told them to cut the crap. And you don’t have to do it in a mean way – do it not out of anger towards them, but out of love for yourself.
Another very important way to look at this is that we all will have reflected back to us what WE are putting out there. Perhaps taking a look at ourselves and see why we could be attracting situations that feel negative and find unfulfilling. I know when I’m having an odd meeting with a client or anyone I look at myself and focus on loving that part of me that I’m hating about them. Ultimately I know it’s me that I’m unhappy with and they are just a reflection of that. As frustrating as that can sometimes be, it’s a blessing to be presented with such opportunities.
“7) The kind of man who values emotional intimacy often looks at a beautiful women and thinks, “She’s out of my league.” That is the overwhelming reason why so many women are wondering why nobody (or at least nobody worth going out with) ever asks them out.”
I totally agree with the above. What I’ve had happen is guys who I was interested in be interested in me, but do nothing about it because they thought I wouldn’t be interested in them. I thought they weren’t interested in me! Of course when a guy does nothing, a woman assumes he’s not interested. I think women perceive lack of action as a lack of interest – I know I do.
So what’s a guy to do? Being “nice” and being afraid to be shot down aren’t the same thing…my advice to these guys is to evaluate how much risk are you willing to take to have what you want? What are you worth? Have some confidence in yourself and perhaps look at your pursuit of love as a spiritual quest and trust that you’ll be guided and things will fall into place with a little courage and a little faith.
December 6, 2011 at 8:07 AM
Thanks for your well-thought-out response, Jayne. You bring up some interesting points: Do hunters ultimately want a quality relationship with a woman? If a woman demands respect from a hunter, will he show her respect? Further, is he even capable (given his current level of maturity) of showing respect to a woman? In other words, can a leopard change his spots? Certainly, many hunters eventually “grow up” and transition into family men, but I suspect that many hunters simply do not and will not ever respect women.
While it’s true that our outer world reflects our inner world and we attract into our lives the kind of people who are best suited for what we need to learn, I’m not at all comfortable extending that line of reasoning to the theme of this post: that attractive women tend to attract self-centered men who view women as prey. That’s simply a function of how men are wired and the way many of them view women in general.
Your advice to guys to have more confidence and self-worth is sound, but of course that doesn’t mean it’s easy or that it’s going to happen. I know many people who need more self-confidence and self-worth in their lives, but my encouragement falls on deaf ears. How will they ever get to the point of having more confidence and courage? I think you’re right on when you suggest that love be viewed as a spiritual quest. A natural extension of your recommendation is that everyone view life itself as a spiritual quest. That approach has indeed been the salvation of many, but like all ideals, few choose that path and even fewer walk far enough down it to achieve lasting results.
September 21, 2012 at 2:12 PM
I am getting lonely and fed up. I am supposed to feel attractive but how attractive does anyone feel who never gets approached by men? It’s hard because it’s taboo to talk to your friends and family about how difficult it is being beautiful and getting treated badly by men. On the rare occasion I have tried to talk about it, I instantly get the people I’m talking to’s back up and they start treating me like I am up myself or conceited, but the whole reason I am wanting to talk about it is because I am having a problem. I am reaching out for help, but if the problem is wondering if you’re too beautiful to attract men and too intelligent and outspoken to attract men, then people think you are trying to say you are better than everyone else! It really makes you feel rubbish inside if you let it. I get a hard time from other women probably partly due to my looks. But I am single while averagely pretty friends of mine get all the attention. I’m always surprised when my brother or a friend or boyfriend tells me of the way men look at me! When I ask them if that’s true, they say “of course!” as if it’s obvious and a taken-for-granted fact! But if this is happening, then the men must look away the moment I look at them so I don’t see it. One of my own brothers is very jealous of my looks and is nasty to me about it. I promise you that I am a very caring and compassionate person and good company from what I can tell. I’m not at all arrogant. I’m not mean. I don’t talk about people behind their backs. I don’t put people down. And I get a lot of crap from a lot of people. When I stand up to them, I give them proof that I am a ‘bitch’ like they want me to be to justify why they don’t like me, when I seriously give them no real reason. I just want to meet a man and pardon me for wanting a good looking man. I’m good looking and I like looks in a man, so shouldn’t I be able to be with someone who is on my level? But the good looking men are often players who want to use me. I want to be seduced, but as you say, the ones who can seduce are greedy. I want someone who loves me. Someone I can start a family with. Someone kind. I have ended up in controlling relationships in the past and now I am wondering if my looks make men more likely to want to keep me on a short leach and if I accepted the poor treatment because at least it was some sort of commitment? I had a relationship with a guy who put me on a pedestal and it was healing after an abusive relationship, but so claustrophobic that I had to end it. The two happiest relationships I’ve had have been with womanizers who really appreciated me. They would have cheated on me eventually of course, but while they lasted, those guys made me feel like the centre of their universe, respected and cherished. I’d have been their number one woman, but there would have been others behind my back in time I’m sure.
Is it too much to ask that a guy who doesn’t think they are good enough for me, but who I think is good enough for me to start to see themselves that way?
My friends are getting married and I don’t even have a boyfriend. My trust in men is fairly low and I am being cautious about the guy’s intentions… none of this is a recipe for lasting love though and I’m really frustrated at this point.
Can’t the so-called nice guys stop being so shallow and look past a woman’s looks for a change? They might think they are doing so by picking an average looking partner, but actually they are not, because if their idea is that pretty women don’t have personalities then they are extremely shallow.
Fed up.
September 21, 2012 at 2:34 PM
I hear you. This is why I wrote this post—to give women some insight into how men think so they can break this type of cycle. Everything you said is completely legitimate and entirely consistent with what I’ve seen over the years. Everything, that is, except your last line: Nice guys don’t think that pretty women don’t have personalities. That’s not it at all; they’re simply too intimidated to initiate a conversation. And no, it’s not too much to ask that you find the guy that’s right for you. I don’t know if this is helpful, but in my view the best thing you could do is join an online dating service and start e-mailing guys you connect with. Men who are too intimidated by your beauty to approach you in person are more likely to engage with you online. I’ve found that e-mail is the fastest route to emotional intimacy and really connecting with someone on a deep level. Then, when you agree to meet, you will have established a solid foundation that will greatly reduce the intimidation factor. Your mindset is also vitally important. If you think you’ll continue to scare off nice guys, you probably will. Instead, if you affirm things like “I am open to being approached by a kind, considerate man” and “I am ready to be with the man of my dreams,” you will be energetically more likely to attract what you are affirming. I wrote a post about affirmations that you may find helpful: http://bolstablog.wordpress.com/2008/07/27/affirmations/. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
September 21, 2012 at 2:44 PM
By the way, never ever ever put anyone on a pedestal, because if you put them up there, the only way they can look at you is by looking down on you. This is not a character flaw in either party, this is a behavioral mistake.
September 21, 2012 at 2:48 PM
I couldn’t agree more. It’s a mistake I used to make until I realized the same thing.
November 22, 2012 at 6:09 PM
This is a great article and I identify with it completely. I’m a model(although currently finishing up my business degree) and most men say my beauty and height intimidates them. The only men I’ve seem to attract are older, wealthy, and unavailable. The attention was fun in my early 20′s, but I’m beginning to wonder if there are any men about there who don’t see me as a trophy girlfriend or piece of ass. I’m not complaining about being attractive, it just seems like no matter how hard I try to work on myself (school, therapy, meditation, working hard, and being financially independent) men can’t see past my face or body. I just rekindled an affair because I’m over being alone.
November 22, 2012 at 8:19 PM
I’m sorry to hear you’re in that situation, Evie Rose, but I’m not at all surprised. It’s so true that beauty can be as much a curse as it is a blessing. I hope you find what you’re looking for, and sooner rather than later. Best of luck to you.
November 26, 2012 at 12:12 PM
This is all good to hear. I am the same. I used to model. I am 5’10″. I am in my 30s but look 25, very intelligent and accomplished. And I’ve seen and heard from men my whole life who say “when they were single, they’d have loved to go out with me”. When the whole time, I figured they did not like me for one reason or another and I only got approached by sleeze-bags. Also, the majority of men who contact me online are looking for a “conquest” with a beautiful woman, even when I clearly state I am looking for a relationship. Or they are way older than me, looking for arm-candy. I am of course looking for a man who has taken care of himself; however I am not looking for Mr. Perfect! Most beautiful women are nice and just looking for someone who is nice and average-attractive and who will value her. Beautiful women learn early that attempting to date equally attractive men is not worth it, because they are making their way towards sleeping with every woman on the planet and tend to be ego-maniacs. Therefore, we only looking for average!!! And nice. And balanced. That’s it!
November 26, 2012 at 12:17 PM
Thank you for your comments, Julie. Your experience perfectly illustrates the dilemma faced by beautiful women. If only more men would realize that they don’t have to have movie star looks to date women like you. Perhaps you have given them hope by leaving this comment! Good luck, and I hope you find a man who appreciates you for who you are!
January 15, 2013 at 6:58 AM
So happy I found your article/blog above (waaaayyyy above – it’s great the dialogue has continued this long). I personally don’t see it, but have a dear/like-a-sister friend who assures me that this is my problem with men. Her husband, who is like one of us (one of the most secure men we’ve ever met and totally her soul-mate), insists that is the problem as well.
As many of your respondents have said, being too attractive is not a subject you can discuss with most people, least of all family and girlfriends. I’m in my mid-fifties, and I would have thought that being older would have fixed this problem, but alas, no such luck. I still find the (very few) men who have the nerve to ask me out are indeed the egomaniacs who just want the status of a beautiful woman with them.
However, my request to you is a little different. Since 2002, I’ve been on a wonderful spiritual journey and have truly changed my life. I understand so much more and am genuinely happy to be myself. I do continue to want a man to share my life with as an equal, but now I only want someone who is pretty far down the spiritual path as well. Do you know of a group where like-minded spiritual people congregate? I did look into an online dating site that said they were spiritual, but it was filled with too many people who seem to have gone off the deep end, missing the simple essence of it all.
Thank you.
January 15, 2013 at 8:11 AM
Thanks so much for writing, Victoria! I’m very glad to hear that your exploration of spirituality has changed your life for the better. I’m only bringing this up because of your question, but my book, “Through God’s Eyes: Finding Peace and Purpose in a Troubled World,” has a chapter on love and relationships called “Behold Your Beloved.” I think this chapter may give you some helpful insights. As for groups of like-minded people, I’d first ask you what, if any, spiritual or religious affiliation resonates with you. I personally belong to Self-Realization Fellowship, a spiritual organization founded by Paramahansa Yogananda, author of the spiritual classic, “Autobiography of a Yogi.” I know many people in SRF who found their spouse by joining this spiritual family because they were able to connect at such a deep, meaningful level. Of course, it doesn’t matter what path you follow. The point is, you have a much better chance of finding that special someone on whatever path speaks to your heart. If you do not belong to any kind of spiritual or religious organization, then, yes, it gets more difficult. Online dating sites that claim to be spiritual are a good place to start. Another source would be Meetup groups (meetup.com). If you can’t find a Meetup group in your area with a spiritual bent, it’s easy to start one yourself. Attending spiritual conferences is another way to meet like-minded people who are serious about their spiritual lives. If you live in or near a big city, there almost certainly will be some kind of conference or expo in your area. Another option would be to attend retreats/workshops/cruises with spiritual authors whose books resonate with you. Best of luck with your search!
February 3, 2013 at 9:41 AM
Reading your post couldn’t have come at a better time for me, Phil. I now realize that I am not alone in the cruel world of dating. I’ve always asked myself “why can’t I find a normal guy that has all the same wonderful qualities that I have…is it really that hard?” I would get all dolled up and looking pretty only to be approached by those guys that wanted one thing only. I’ve always thought that the problem was me. So many of my friends tell me to not be picky, to just go for it, to try but when I do it always ends up the same way, me being single and feeling worse about myself than before.
It has been a struggle for me as I am a believer that it should be the man that approaches the woman and not the other way around. Even though I have confidence in how I look and feel about myself, sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me and that if I ask someone out they will say no and I will feel bad. I realize that that is ridiculous but it wasn’t until I read your article that it all made sense to me smoehow. I shouldn’t be afraid of approaching a guy. You said that the nice guys are the ones who don’t do the asking and that they should “man up.” Perhaps I should also “man up” and start doing the asking instead of alwasy waiting for them to come to me.
I’ve had two solid relationships in my life that are noteworthy: one lasting 7 years and the other only 2. Both ended the same way with the guys saying that I would be better off without them. I am now 36 and coming dangerously close to “missing the boat” when it comes to marriage and children. When it happens I want it to be right and I won’t settle for anyone just to obtain my goal. What’s that expresson?? The turtle always wins the race!
My fight is not yet over Phil, you have inspired me to think and act a little differently. Those that are worthy will show themselves and it will be up to me to weed out the sheep from the wolves.
Thank you!! and wish me luck :)
February 3, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Thanks for writing, Kay. Your experiences certainly support the theme of this post. What so many women don’t understand is that the more dolled up they get, the less chance they have of attracting the kind of guy they want to attract. Another point that women often fail to take into account is that many guys won’t take the chance to ask a beautiful woman out because they fear that they will be rejected. You just said that you felt the very same way yourself. So the situation is: You won’t ask a guy out because you’re afraid they will say no and you’ll feel bad. The guy is thinking the same thing about you. So nobody asks anybody out and each of you goes away frustrated and alone.
The ideal solution is to meet men in non-dating social situations and stay open to the possibility of having good chemistry with someone you can start a friendship with. Once a guy feels comfortable getting to know you, he will be less intimidated by the thought of taking the next step. Meetup groups may be worth looking into (meetup.com). There are also lots of groups that offer non-dating social activities for singles. One of my friends met his wife that way.
Good luck with your search. Now that you are more aware of the dynamics involved, you should be on your way!
February 22, 2013 at 7:13 PM
Thank you for your tweets! I’m so glad that I found out about this blog on Twitter. For years, I have been without many dates and seemingly lack of male interest. Men literally look the other way when they pass me by. As I see other women of all shapes, sizes, levels of attractivenss receive male attention, date and move into relationships. For all of my adult life, I’ve been in beauty industries – pageants, NFL Cheerleader, modeling. However, being snubbed by men made/makes me feel extremely unattractive. Then, I thought that maybe this is because I’m a minority in a small, conservative town. But other minority women were dating. I also thought that there was some type of vibe that I was exuding to repel men. I still don’t understand because I don’t consider myself so beautiful that I would intimidate men. Some times I wonder why this woman gets male attention and I do not, except for online. This puts things into perspective. Thank you!
February 22, 2013 at 7:33 PM
I’m glad you found some answers and some solace here, Anika. But I must disagree with you: I saw your Twitter photo and you are indeed quite beautiful. I hope you find what you’re looking for and the happiness that you deserve.
March 2, 2013 at 11:03 PM
I’ve been told for years (I’m 49 now) that I’m gorgeous. I still get told that. I see women much younger than I am showing signs of envy. Last year I had a 29 year old guy sending me sexually explicit emails regarding what he’d like to do to me. A few years prior to this a man around my age that I had known for a couple of weeks (and had coffee with) called me up and performed a sex act over the phone. This has been happening since I was a teenager. All I can say is that I find it weird. Perhaps this is normal and I just think it’s weird? However, I get the impression from speaking with other women that they haven’t experienced this on regular basis.
Btw, I don’t find myself THIS attractive. Therefore, I can only conclude that I’m somehow attracting nuts. My friends tell me that I AM this attractive and that I have some sort of “complex” given that I can’t see it.
I’ve never been married because I rarely ever had a man interested in me as more than a sexual object. I tell people that I have the “soul of a prostitute” because this is how I feel. Perhaps I was a prostitute in my former life (If you believe in that).
I’ve now pretty much given up hope of finding someone. I’ve learned to keep my head down and not look too friendly in order to keep the perverts away.
March 2, 2013 at 11:21 PM
I’m very sorry to hear of your experiences, Elizabeth. Are they normal? Only in the sense that it’s unfortunately normal for aggressive, self-absorbed, juvenile men to treat beautiful women as sex objects and nothing more. The problem with keeping your head down and not looking too friendly is that you’re keeping everyone way, not just the creeps. And it’s having an effect on your own self-esteem as well. Plenty of beautiful women have found good men and I hope the same for you. The more you love and accept yourself, the more likely that others will too. The world is a mirror of our inner life, and if you are able to reframe your perspective, great changes can occur. I wish you the best.
March 18, 2013 at 9:53 AM
Thank you for your blog. After reading this, I felt a lot better knowing that other women experience the same problem as I do. I think what makes things even worst for me is that I get a lot of “suspicious looks” from other women. It’s bad enough that I don’t get asked out, but also to get this kind of treatment from other women is like a kick to the groin. It always happen when I am going to social events and weddings that other women would give me this look, thinking I am going to steal their boyfriend or husband. Please keep in mind that I was covered up and I wasn’t dressing sexy or anything. I never even flirt or approach any of these men, but women have this crazy notion that I am after their man. In all my life I have never ever been a home wrecker or stolen anybody’s boyfriend or husband. I hope anybody reading this would back me up. When I tell my friends this, they think I am being silly or I should get off my high horse. Maybe this is why I don’t have a lot of female friends.
March 18, 2013 at 10:06 AM
Unfortunately, M.C., I’ve heard that form a lot of beautiful women. Not only do men feel intimidated by them, but other women are often standoffish as well. I wish you luck in finding what you’re looking for.
April 6, 2013 at 10:36 AM
Hey there, Phil.
You and many of the women here are forgetting one thing…
a lot of us guys do not want to approach a beautiful woman because there are so many who don’t make a good wife or girlfriend.
Selfish, no personality or sense of humor, no work ethic, her day is ruined because she broke a fingernail, she has to have lipstick on when going out to the mailbox are just a few reasons why.
I know, not all beautiful women are like that (and, yes, a lot of plain women are like that also), but that quality one is like a needle in a haystack, and we just don’t want to deal with it.
It has nothing to do with being a man who has the nerve to ask one out…
many of us just don’t want to.
I prefer the Sally Field type and won’t even look at a Sophia Loren. :-)
I know it is unfair, but we just can’t do it.
If we knew what she was like in the inside first, well, then, yeah. . . .
And all these women who say they are alone–uhhh, why aren’t YOU approaching him?
April 6, 2013 at 11:14 AM
I don’t know why you feel that way, Perry. Even if you have experience with women like this, it seems like you’re throwing out the proverbial baby with the bath water. This assumption sounds suspect. I know a lot of beautiful women and I haven’t seen any evidence of this. I certainly understand being attracted to down-to-earth women but plenty of attractive women are also down to earth. As for women approaching men, yes, a lot of men would welcome that, but a lifetime of social conditioning can be hard to overcome. It’s a shame that so many issues are keeping men and women apart.
April 6, 2013 at 12:16 PM
“…throwing out the proverbial baby with the bath water.”
Oh, I know–and it’s not fair to beautiful women, but there are just too many Sally Fields out there to mess with the Sophia Lorens.
“I know a lot of beautiful women and I haven’t seen any evidence of this.”
That’s because you are a very nice guy–who is also probably very forgiving. Or, you just don’t see it. :-)
Katharine Hepburn was quoted as saying, “Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. . . .”
That’s not entirely true, of course, but it comes close.
April 27, 2013 at 4:44 AM
So true and so sad and so frustrating. More and more I think I’m going to be alone forever. I’m told I’m in the attractive woman pool and at times I think I should have followed the gold digger path when I was younger and had chances.
I’ve tried getting close to nice guys but they’ve been rather insecure and I found out some never believed I was into them to begin with. I decided to approach a couple guys myself but they treated me like I was desperate for a relationship or just a skank looking for sex.
I’m really running out of ideas.
April 27, 2013 at 4:55 AM
I’m sorry to hear you’re frustrated, Jenna. All I can tell you is that plenty of attractive women have found wonderful partners, so the worst thing you can do is give up, because that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. What I would tell both women and men is to stay positive and dedicate yourself to continual self-improvement in every aspect of life. The better you become, the better your chances of attracting someone else at that level, and the better the odds that it will work out. Above all, never give up hope! Dreams do come true.
April 27, 2013 at 5:50 AM
“I decided to approach a couple guys myself but they treated me like I was desperate for a relationship or just a skank looking for sex.”
I would think that is a great way to weed such guys out.
So don’t stop approaching men because of doorknobs like that.
Heck, think of that as a good thing in your favor!
A guy I know has a very cute wife–down to earth, and an all-around genuinely nice woman. He says that she struck up a conversation with him while at one of the stores in the mall. They just talked like two human beings having a conversation. She invited him to have lunch with her at a place she was going to that week, and she asked him which day would be better for him.
Only complete idiots would think a woman is desperate or easy because she simply asks a man out…
and you don’t need them in your life.
April 27, 2013 at 7:00 AM
I agree with you, Perry. The key is: “They just talked like two human beings having a conversation.” This is often difficult for men to do at first because they are so distracted by a woman’s looks. They need to get past that quickly. If they can, good things can happen.
April 27, 2013 at 8:29 AM
Thanks for your reply. That is definitely seeing the glass half full :) I’m going through a really frustrating time right now. I can’t stand the “game” thing, I’d just like to spend time with a man like your friend.
April 27, 2013 at 9:09 AM
Jenna, have you tried online dating sites? That’s a good way to initiate authentic conversation as well as a good way to minimize the intimidation factor caused by your good looks. More than half of all relationships now begin online. Good luck to you!
April 27, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Or you could just start a conversation with guys.
You start conversations with women, right? It’s–basically–the same thing with men.
Then just let them know you have to go, and that you’d like to pick up where you two left off over lunch or dinner sometime. Then hand them your e-mail address.
Or, just before you leave, you could say something like, “I hope your girlfriend appreciates you,” and then see if he says that he doesn’t have one.
Sneaky, I know. :-)
I’ve done that a couple of times with women.
April 27, 2013 at 10:11 AM
Sure, Perry, it’s quite true that either gender stands a much better chance of finding someone if they are proactive instead of just waiting for someone to talk to them. That’s just a nice way to live whether or not you’re looking for a relationship.
April 27, 2013 at 11:20 AM
“The solution to this dating dilemma is obvious. As a female reader so succinctly commented: “Man up, nice guys!” After all, if a guy isn’t man enough to ask a woman out, he probably isn’t quality relationship material anyway.”
I think this bears repeating.
It’s the article’s first three sentences, but for (alleged) nice guys who are possibly already reading with a chip on their shoulders, I think it gets lost in the verbiage.
April 27, 2013 at 11:27 AM
It’s an obvious solution, M, but it isn’t that easy. Just because a man doesn’t ask a woman out because he thinks she’s out of his league doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t be great in a relationship once the connection is made. Sure, there’s probably a correlation to some degree, but it’s not as cut and dried as you make it out to be.
April 27, 2013 at 1:45 PM
@Phil: I never really wanted to do the internet dating thing, it seems a bit weird to try to narrow down the sort of person you want to meet, but it seems like it might be the only option left. Right now I just can’t imagine ever meeting someone.
April 27, 2013 at 2:54 PM
Jenna, i can’t stress enough the importance of staying positive. If you can’t imagine meeting someone, you won’t. And the right kind of guy will be much more likely to ask you out if he perceives you as positive and cheerful. if you want to attract a positive, loving guy, you need to be positive and loving.
April 28, 2013 at 3:08 AM
@Phil: thank you. You’re right. It seems I don’t even want to be around myself very much let alone someone else. Started on meditation this morning, working on changing my mindset :) Thank you for your words!
April 28, 2013 at 10:46 AM
I’m so glad to hear that, Jenna! I wasn’t intending to mention my book, but based on your comments, I think you may find value in it. You can learn about it at http://GodsEyesBook.com. I wish you all the best!
April 29, 2013 at 2:41 PM
awww yes!! this is so perfectly explained, thank you :)
April 29, 2013 at 2:43 PM
You’re very welcome, Tiffany!
May 2, 2013 at 11:49 PM
MC said: “I think what makes things even worst for me is that I get a lot of “suspicious looks” from other women. It’s bad enough that I don’t get asked out, but also to get this kind of treatment from other women is like a kick to the groin.”
*****
I get this as well. They look suspicious, frightened, vaguely hostile. I have a feeling that my appearance was one reason a successful female physician didn’t want to hire me as a private tutor for her daughter. I also think I was fired from a job because of my appearance. The owner hired me and his wife fired me. I ran into a former co-worked and she confirmed that this was indeed the reason.
I am not overly made-up and I don’t run around in sexy clothing. In fact, I prefer baggy stuff and flats. It I wore sexy clothing I would be under constant assault.
May 3, 2013 at 3:54 AM
Unfortunately, this dynamic is all too common, Elizabeth. Beautiful women not only have to put up with unwanted, aggressive behavior from men, but vaguely hostile reactions from women as well. Many women do not want their husbands to associate with beautiful women in any way, and are deeply suspicious of women who are better looking than they are. That’s why I wrote that beauty can be as much a curse as it is a blessing. Your last line is very telling. Yes, if you dolled yourself up, you would indeed be under constant assault. You would have to put up with aggressive behavior from men as well as withering looks from women. It’s somewhat of a paradox that unattractive women often dream of being beautiful, not realizing the thorns that come with the roses.
May 3, 2013 at 1:53 PM
Now I won’t say I’m the hottest chick ever nor am I the ugliest. But either way I can’t even say I’ve been approached by men in the correct fashion. I was rejected as a teen because of silly reasons like being too flat chested, my sideburns were too long or I was so “off-standish” actually I was extremely shy and just the thought to talk to someone was frightening! Yet being a grown woman, not only am I still rejected by men, some even friendzone me or even boldly tell me how I’m not good enough or how I don’t compare to other women. I’m all for comparisons but don’t say how all the women in the women in the world are better than me.
Yet through it all, I attract the guy who doesn’t even hint or patiently suggests for sex. He comes right out for it. Unfortunately it’s been more men like that over even the slightest decent one. But not just one race, no these men come from all over the world and I’m sorry but I hate to have to say it’s all men. Not one can show me different or say well hey we’re not all the same. No same routine, same outcome and sane results just many more men than one would expect.
Honestly I’m fed up, I tried my best but I refuse to be someone’s sex toy while the lousy girls are getting the world handed to them. Apparently I’m pretty awesome at being single, since I never had a date or a boyfriend to dote on.
May 4, 2013 at 5:54 AM
I’m sorry you’ve had such difficulties with men, ItzMzBunny. However, your comment, “I hate to say it’s all men,” is dead wrong. As I say in the post, “Since beautiful women are only approached by hunters, they understandably think that most, if not all, men treat women the way that hunters do.” Since the only men you seem to have contact with are ones that act like tis, you naturally assume that all men are like that. I can emphatically assure you that that is not the case. The kind of men who are my friends are not like that at all and wouldn’t dream of using and degrading women in that way. So please don’t give up hope. You just need to meet a better quality of men. Since I know nothing about you or your circumstances, I can’t offer any further guidance. However, I can tell you that if you continue to have the same attitude about men and about life in general, you will continue to attract the same kind of men and experiences. I wish you luck in breaking out of that cycle.
May 4, 2013 at 4:33 PM
I understand that fully Phil trust me I do. But that’s my point. It’s not always the “hunter” even the decent or nice men don’t give me the time of day, or treat me like a best friend. I’ll even bet that your friends wouldn’t give me the time of their yesterday. I have standards and things I find is necessary in a person yet I still end up with crap. For example if I go after a college educated man, he automatically writes me off because I didn’t graduate college. Which I believe is unfair. Or I’ll meet a guy who’s nice that I hit it off with and have a good time with and when I ask about a relationship or what kind of girl he likes I’m immediately told that he’s not interested in me.
I’ve gone out, I went with friends, went without friends, dressed up and looked nice. I still get ignored. Regardless of my attitude on this I can’t get excited when every guy I approach or go near automatically walks away from me or better yet walks around me like I’m just some debris on the sidewalk.
The worst part most of the potentially good men are taken or married or in a situation they don’t know how to leave. Yet think they van fix it by finding another woman to make up for the slack.
You and all the other men can disagree with me. But I’m being truthful and honest. All men are the same. I’ve yet to find one or have one approach me to show me otherwise. I get nothing can be perfect. But come on I can’t even get asked out before I’m getting told I have to have sex with him. Vying for a man’s attention may be most women’s priority. But for me it’s not. I’m just tired of seeing men give excuses for the way they do things and act another way while meaning something entirely unrelated to the situation at hand.
Now explain to me why I’ve never dated or had a boyfriend?? Never carried myself as promiscuous, even though there were rumours spread about me. Where sex is concerned I stand my ground, I don’t do free sex for nothing. I don’t drink and therefore going to the bar or club is out of the question. I don’t wear make up because I think it’s silly to put on a Halloween mask and pretend to be someone I’m not.
I’ve seen men go off and marry an unattractive woman. Yet tell me all I’m good for is sex and nothing else. If by any chance the decent man is in the corner of somewhere watching, yeah he’s the same one who says I’m his bestest friend in the whole wide world and tries to see if Ms. Beauty Queen will give him an ounce of her attention.
I think men are superficial individuals who can’t come to a happy medium when it comes to what they want. I consider myself a good woman and even my family does yet I get told by all the wonderful men that I’m not good enough and I need to learn to stop being stingy with goods.
Hey you tell me how to correct it I’ll try it. But your conversation only talks about a percentage of women who put on make up to become that sexual vixen who whine about being disrespected by men yet they’re regulars at all the bars and I’ll go so far to say they lack a lot being a woman. You speak of nothing of the good girl who gets bashed by men and women and told how she’s a failure at life for not being asked out, yet she gets manipulated and disrespected and everyone says oh it’s your fault. Right.
May 5, 2013 at 6:31 AM
ItzMzBunny, perhaps in your world, “all men are the same,” but that world is a darker place than the world I live in. As a man, I can unequivocally tell you that you are dead wrong. You started off by saying, “I understand that fully Phil trust me I do.” But you’re not using that understanding to do anything positive. Your comments are drenched in negativity and you are clearly angry and bitter. For example, you trash beautiful women in the last paragraph and lump them all into a shallow stereotype to make yourself feel better about yourself. Do you not see the danger in this? This negative, bitter attitude is reflected in the way you show up in the world and affects how other people interact with you. Given that I know absolutely nothing about you or your situation, making any assumptions would be foolish on my part. All I can tell you is that the best way for anybody to be happier is to reinvent themselves by adopting a more positive, loving view of the world. If that seems impossible or laughable to you, just remember: Nothing changes if nothing changes.
May 5, 2013 at 8:10 AM
Phil, you are one nice guy.
TOO NICE!
ItzMzBunny, when someone talks like that, whether they are a man or woman, they are either exaggerating or they are the problem.
I’d ask how many men you have approached, how many approached you, and how many of them really acted like that, but I suspect that you would just exaggerate and/or make stuff up to somehow make yourself feel right.
I wonder what your friends and family would say about your situation.
I’d bet they would say that it is quite different than from what you are saying.
Yes, for many singles, it can be difficult, but too many of them make excuses, they don’t listen to friends and family, they make stuff up about their situation, and–they don’t keep trying . . .
They might as well just stay home with the cats.
Phil, you can’t help those who won’t help themselves.
May 5, 2013 at 8:12 PM
Perry, although what you’re saying is true, there are three big reasons why it’s not as easy for women to approach men as it is for men to approach women:
1) Women have had a lifetime of conditioning to wait for men to approach them. As men, we can’t even begin to comprehend how difficult it is to overcome that programming.
2) Women tend to be more self-conscious then men about their attractiveness to the opposite sex. From birth, women are taught that unless they’re beautiful, they aren’t valued. Men are taught to achieve, and that their looks aren’t that important.
3) An alarming percentage of women have been mistreated or abused by men from a young age, which can easily and understandably manifest as a reluctance to trust men, much less approach them.
It sounds like you’re a successful, decent-looking guy, Perry. But try slipping into a woman’s high heels (metaphorically speaking, of course) and imagine coming at this from a completely different angle. It might be an eye-opening experience!
May 5, 2013 at 8:18 PM
“As a man, I can unequivocally tell you that you are dead wrong”
Phil, You seem far more invested in telling ItzMizBunny that, than in helping her – you’ve done that (tell her how wrong she is) twice in two responses – and yet even though her situation and my situation are very different, I think it’s quite telling that
a) the conclusions she and I have reached about men were/are very much the same;
b) the women that disagree with your repeated conclusion that “all men are not like that” have extremely variant situations yet all seem to be reaching the same conclusion that yes, most men are indeed very much like that; and
Though I am in fact a college graduate and don’t necessarily agree with all the things she said, I do emphatically agree with ItzMizBunny that it does in fact come down to men making excuses for one another and refusing to change the one thing about all these interactions which would indeed make a huge difference in the outcomes of these situations:
- acknowledging their privileges (men are supported in our society in their failure to make any kind of effort in relationships, whereas women are required to be perfect – in looks, demeanor (sweet but not too sweet, earn enough money that she’s not a “golddigger” but not more than he does because of course that’s “emasculating”), background and domestic contribution (never mind if she’s bringing home half the bacon; she’s still the one required to “fry it all up in the pan”! — and ask for no effort and no contribution from men and defer consistently to men regardless of how badly they behave)
- changing their own behavior, and
- treating women better. You know, like fellow human beings even.
May 5, 2013 at 8:42 PM
M, I am not “invested” in telling ItzMizBunny that she’s wrong about men, I’m simply stating an unarguable fact: Not all men act like Neanderthals. As a man who has a number of caring, intelligent and enlightened male friends who honor and respect women, I know this to be true. Now, if you are saying that all the men you come in contact with are boorish, that’s another story. As I wrote in the main article, “Since beautiful women are only approached by hunters, they understandably think that most, if not all, men treat women the way that hunters do.” That’s a crucial point. And your comments as well as hers illustrate the truth of it.
As for your criticisms of men with regard to their behavior in relationships, you are oversimplifying the issue and again assuming that most, if not all, men behave badly. THe way you characterize men is like a bad stereotype. Yes, many many are like that, but to give the impression that virtually all men are like that is disingenuous. Yes, there are certainly many, many men who give men a bad name, but there are a lot of unenlightened women out there too. That doesn’t change the fact that there are countless wonderful men and women out there who are beautiful human beings. I don’t live in the world that you’re describing.
May 6, 2013 at 12:25 AM
As far as I’m concerned I do believe men are the majority of the problem. You all claim there are good guys and how women are the problem and are stingy and all want to be married. Phil, no one is saying these men don’t exist. Maybe it should be stated that there are far more few than people say. Example oh there are 1000 good men but in actuality there are only 500 or maybe even 100. My father was a damn good man.
But I do agree with M. Even though I wasn’t able to finish college due to not having enough money. I thought I could get the pick of the litter. Unfortunately even the college educated men say they don’t want to be bothered because I’m a flunky. There’s always an excuse a man uses when he doesn’t want to be bothered. I always got, It’s because you’re flat-chested, or you’re too fat, now you’re too skinny, you have real hair, you don’t wear enough make up, you’re never going to be good enough, you’re not this and you’re not that…
Regardless if I change my hair style or color, buy new clothes or dress up I always get overlooked. Hell the guy I fell in love with not only walked past me on the same sidewalk he would act like I didn’t deserve to walk on the same ground. I got dumped by my prom date and when I asked him why he frolicked off like he just got a load of candy. I never did get a response but so the rumors said he did it because I was hideous ugly. That’s always the main excuse, I’m hideous ugly. Then what’s this soulmate stuff everyone says??
Some of us have reasons why we shy away from me, and it’s for good reasons too. There are sick men out there. Many women are left single, confused and damaged goods. I don’t know about where you live, but where I live women who are married or with children are considered the best women. They are the alpha women.
Excuse me if I came off bitchy mean or bitter, but to say one thing when others are happening isn’t good either. Your friends may be great Phil, I won’t deny that, I don’t know them. But those same “great” guys are the ones I approach or say hello or smile to and I get friendzoned by them. Same goes for women who whine and moan about all the good men, yet they have them in their friendzone.
I need more than words or actions to say someone’s a good person. I want an actual result. Hearing that there are good men is like hearing unicorns are real over and over again.
Our society says that men want a size 0 bombshell who has superhuman powers and does anything he asks or wants without a fuss who works, takes care of the house and kids and in some cases is the provider. I’d rather have a guy for his sense of humor and personality than looks.
May 6, 2013 at 4:57 AM
ItzMzBunny, I needed to edit your post because the examples you gave of men behaving badly with you were too graphic. It’s awful that you’ve had so many horrible experiences with men. You’re right that there are sick men out there. The world is full of dysfunctional people, and you seem to have run into more than your share. Since I don’t know anything about you, all I can say is what I tell everyone regardless of their circumstances: The best chance you have to live a more positive, loving life is continuous self-improvement. Life tends to get better, and you tend to meet higher-quality people, as you become a better person. That holds true for women and men in whatever situation they are in life.
May 6, 2013 at 9:32 AM
Hey there, Phil.
I’m a columnist (and researcher) for singles (soon to be syndicated), so I’d like to continue this.
http://www.datingcolumnist.com/
You said:
1) “Women have had a lifetime of conditioning to wait for men to approach them. As men, we can’t even begin to comprehend how difficult it is to overcome that programming.”
I respectfully disagree with ya on that.
I’m OK in the looks department, but I am also bald and short (5’6″). Look at my pic in my profile page that I send to newspaper and magazine editors.
Even though it has been said over and over again that women find these type of guys less appealing, I’m not “conditioned” into this thinking.
For years now, women have known that they can approach guys.
We aren’t back in the 18th and 19th centuries.
They just don’t want to do it.
And all we are basically talking about is JUST starting a conversation with a man, just like she would with a woman.
It’s two human beings talking to one another.
Some may say that it is hardwired in them.
As a researcher, I can tell you, that it is NOT.
They are more caring and understanding, but starting a conversation with a man and then asking them out is not part of their–makeup.
You said:
2) “Women tend to be more self-conscious then men about their attractiveness to the opposite sex. From birth, women are taught that unless they’re beautiful, they aren’t valued. Men are taught to achieve, and that their looks aren’t that important.”
I disagree.
Again, look at all the short, plain-looking guys out there.
They can approach women, which they do–so women can approach men.
They may be–MAY BE–more self conscious, but that is no excuse. And deep down, they know it.
And A LOT of men are concerned about their looks and height when it comes to approaching women.
You should hear the things I hear from singles out there.
3) “An alarming percentage of women have been mistreated or abused by men from a young age, which can easily and understandably manifest as a reluctance to trust men, much less approach them.”
I agree.
Sad thing is, so many men think that if a woman doesn’t give out her number, she isn’t interested.
What bull.
“But try slipping into a woman’s high heels. . . .”
I have. You should see me in a red chiffon dress.
I’m hot!!
:-)
May 8, 2013 at 5:56 AM
Perry, it’s true that the first two points are not etched in stone and that more women are willing to approach men, but societal conditioning for women to wait to be asked out is still strong. Likewise, women obsess about their looks and attach their attractiveness to their self-worth far more than men do, although as you pointed out, those lines are blurring as well. A whole lot of research shows that men are typically attracted to women for their looks while women are often (not always, to be sure) attracted to men for their ability to provide security.
Finally, I will take your word for it that you’re hot in a red chiffon dress. Please don’t send any photos. I want to be able to sleep at night.
May 8, 2013 at 11:53 AM
@Perry:
Excuse me but I must point out that you don’t seem to know what you’re talking about. Women HAVE been programmed not to approach men but the bigger problem as far as I can tell is that men have been programmed to be skeptical of women approaching them. I HAVE tried approaching men and I will try again when I actually have time but the times I tried the responses were NOT positive.
I’m considered a pretty woman. I modelled when I was younger and even in my 30′s I’ve got a much more attractive body than many, many 20 year old’s around. It’s not unusual for people to think I’m 10 years younger.
The type of man who usually approaches me? Yes, the type of man who approaches pretty women. The type of men I’ve tried to approach? I haven’t done it many times, sure, but the times when I was interested in the person (as opposed to being interested in sex) I’ve gone up to guys who looked like nice, normal people. They were skeptical and eventually they’d turn away or they weren’t sure how to be a “man” I guess, never taking any sort of initiative when we went out or they thought I was looking for sex.
And sure, I’ve picked up a few very hot men because of their looks and only for a fling (usually after a few drinks) and no problems there but whenever I’ve approached men for who they are it’s not been pretty. Unless you’re in Scandinavia or Holland men are not comfortable with women approaching them and the men who are ok with it don’t seem to have any guts.
Heck, I’m still getting over the last man I approached, who very recently hurt my feelings to an extent that’s left me dumbfounded. He seemed like a nice guy but it seems he doesn’t have much respect for me – probably because I approached him. Maybe that’s the keyword: respect. Men don’t normally respect women who approach them.
You have no idea how frustrating it can be.
May 9, 2013 at 4:41 PM
I’m sorry you’ve had those experiences, Jenna. Personally, I think it’s great when women approach men. I would encourage you to keep trying. Hopefully, your run of bad luck will end soon. Even though social conditioning can be transcended, it’s still the norm for men to approach women, and too many people aren’t comfortable venturing into the unknown. Thankfully, from what I understand, the younger generation is already starting to level the playing field.
May 9, 2013 at 5:10 PM
Actually, Jenna, as a writer for singles, I do know how frustrating it can be–for both men and women.
I also know that they make excuses for their situation.
“Women HAVE been programmed not to approach men. . . .”
I don’t know where you got that one, but it is not in a woman’s hard wiring.
I will say that it is harder for you women, like Phil pointed out, but let’s not make this out to be a mountain to climb.
I have lost count the number of women I have talked with who either asked out the man they are now with or they gave him “that look.”
I wouldn’t be here today if my mom believed in that crap.
There’s nothing more flattering to a man when a woman shows him an interest.
Not even a pat on the back from the boss and a raise compares to it.
You can sure bet that I’ll spin on my heels to catch up with a woman who passed me while giving me that look and a smile.
And I have!
Yes, there are some men who act like a door knob when a woman does this, or when she suggests continuing the conversation over lunch or dinner, but these women should look at that as a good thing, because that type of man isn’t worth her time anyway.
What better way to weed out the “little boys”?
How you look at all of this is how easy or difficult you will make it for yourself.
May 9, 2013 at 5:24 PM
Perry, I think you hit upon a useful statement that Jenna and other women can agree with: Men can be doorknobs.
May 12, 2013 at 3:40 AM
Interesting discussion. I don’t have any trouble approaching men. However, I’m careful about it because experience has shown me that if I express even the slightest interest in a man he’s all over me. Even smiling and saying “hi” has produced unwanted attention. I would approach men more often if they didn’t go all horndog on me. I think I mentioned previously that I don’t get flowers. I get porno emails. I asked an older, very attractive male friend who had a lot of girlfriends throughout his life and he said that I’m “very sexy”. I have no idea what it is about me that makes me “sexy”….but whatever it is it hasn’t benefited me in any way. You know the film “Malena”? My life has been something like that. It has been very lonely because I don’t want to receive porno emails or listen to someone pleasure themselves over the phone. One guy took me to dinner and thought it was OK to grab my hand and place it on his you know what. “This is what you do to me.” This was a FIRST date. Am I just being prudish or is this stuff truly out of line? The very next man that was interested in me was the one who started sending porno emails. My friends think it’s funny. I’m just horribly disappointed. I see men behaving properly with other women (maybe that’s my imagination? maybe this stuff is more common than I think?) and I feel totally left out.
May 12, 2013 at 6:50 AM
Elizabeth, what your experiences as well as the experiences of many women prove is that there is no shortage of men out there who give men a bad name. I can only begin to imagine the frustration and disgust that you and so many other women have to contend with. That said, yes, there are good and decent men out there who wouldn’t dream of treating women the way you and so many others have been treated. I wish there were some way to distinguish the good guys from the bad boys, but alas, that is more an art than a science. It’s my understanding that a lot of women give up because they assume that all men are like the men who they’ve come in contact with. I can assure you that this is not the case. But you may need to sift through a whole lot more bad eggs before you find the man who will be worthy of you.
By the way, I just checked out the synopsis of “Malena.” I had not heard of it before. Yes, it sounds like this film vividly demonstrates the truth of what I wrote in this article: “What so many admiring men and envious women fail to see is that, throughout a woman’s entire life, her beauty can be as much a curse as it is a blessing.”
May 12, 2013 at 9:03 AM
Elizabeth, I completely sympathize. I’m really trying to take the advice given here and not lose hope. I’d met a guy who seemed nice and dorky, and I thought “great, the opposite of a jerk” and I approached him. It took him 2 dates to tell me about his “interest” in porn and then he went on to tell me how much he wants to have fun sex, like in porn movies.
Since I started following this thread I started looking at couples more and I’ve noticed that there are lots of good looking men with not so good looking women but rarely do I see the opposite. In circles I used to be in earlier in life, I noticed lots of gorgeous women with not so good looking, and of course rich, men.
May 12, 2013 at 8:05 PM
Jenna, Elizabeth and others, there’s an important dynamic in play with regard to asking out men that should be mentioned. The very few times it’s happened to me, it was so unexpected that it was a little disorienting and I’m sure I came across as a stammering fool. Now that could just be me, but I don’t think so. The point is, don’t assume that when you approach a man that he is being cool, calm and collected. Chances are that you’re catching him off guard and that even though he’s trying to listen to you, your words aren’t registering because his head is spinning from the fact that a beautiful woman is unexpectedly talking to him. Just saying.
May 13, 2013 at 12:28 AM
Jenna, Yeah, that’s the story of my life. You should have seen the guy who sent me the porno emails. He looked so innocent. I liked him a lot so I was very hurt when I discovered what he was all about. Yes, there is something flattering about a man wanting you. However, when this is all men seem to want you for, you begin to wonder what’s wrong with you.
Phil, “Malena” really illustrates what we’re talking about. Check it out. I’ve even been beaten up by jealous women. Twice I was ambushed at night by women who were jealous of my relationship with a man they were interested in. Another time I was beaten up in the women’s restroom of a bar. In all three cases the man in question was just someone I knew…not someone I was involved with…and in all three cases the woman was not involved with the man either.
Oh, and I shouldn’t forget the girlfriend of a guy I once dated years before. For some reason she was insanely jealous of my past relationship with the guy. I had two public encounters with her. In one she saw me walking in a mall and started following me. She eventually started yelling at me. Years later she saw me sitting in a restaurant. She came over to the table and, in a menacing tone, asked me if I remembered her. I thought she was going to throw hot soup in my face.
Ten years after being punched in the face in the bar the woman who hit me was hired at my place of work. She was still hostile and I had to tell HR about it.
I don’t know if I’ve just had bad luck attracting pervs and psychos but it has been pretty rough. Now, I keep a very low profile. I haven’t had a date in around 20 years unless I count the guy who wanted me to fondle him in the restaurant which was about 7 years ago.
I don’t dislike men at all. I’m not even angry at them. I really like men. It’s more a feeling of intense disappointment that I have not been able to find a compatible man who’s interested in a long term relationship with me. The men I like just drool all over me and then go off to marry someone else.
May 13, 2013 at 5:48 AM
Elizabeth, I was cringing the whole way through this. I’m so sorry you’ve had such awful experiences. I hope the second act of your life is happier and more successful with regard to men and relationships. There are a lot of good men out there (probably fewer than I’d like to think, but sill). I hope you manage to find one.
May 13, 2013 at 2:20 PM
Elizabeth, that seems rough! I was only threatened once by a jealous woman who was interested in a guy who was interested in me. For the most part I’ve had women try to fatten me – I kid you not – and talk behind my back to scare the guys away.
Good luck to all and take care!
May 14, 2013 at 12:12 AM
I am now in a relationship, but I used to be a womanizer for a long time, and I’d like to share my perspective.
When I was 16, I was terrible with women, so I got really deeply into the seduction community, reading books and going out into the streets practicing for 8 hours per day. Back in the 90′s, the community was very messed up, and men didn’t really understand either what to do, or what the point of this activity was. At 16 it was all about sex really, and I would never approach beautiful women because of the same limiting beliefs (too beautiful, probably got a boyfriend etc…) would always come up.
The stuff I was reading was so messed up, that it translated into what someone already said: “One guy took me to dinner and thought it was OK to grab my hand and place it on his you know what. “This is what you do to me.” I literally remember reading this in a book back in the 90′s… It was ridiculous.
Over time I started to get more confident, and I started to really see what women wanted and what would work with them. But it was one particular interaction that really changed my view of the whole thing. I was 19, and for the first time I decided to approach a very beautiful woman in the street, around the time I was completely immune to rejection. She was a Russian girl, about 5 years older than me, who was actually FAR more intelligent than I had expected. The first thing I noticed is how easily she opened up to me (beautiful women, and this was a MASSIVE suprise when I found out, have always been more receptive to a man approaching than average women).
We got into this topic (I still remember, and this was 10 years ago), and she told me how lonely she was, how women were bitter to her, how the only men who would approach were sleazy bastards… She also said something interesting, which was that men wanted to be in a relationship with an average girl, and have an affair with a beautiful girl (of course, she was talking about the sort of men that would approach her).
In general, I think that is somewhat true. 99% of men (unless they are very good with women, and the only way to get good with women is by talking to a hell of a lot of them) don’t ever speak to beautiful women, and are guided by stereotypes. These are: she’s probably shallow, she’s probably not very smart, she’s probably an ice queen and will violently reject me if I approach and SHE’S PROBABLY A GOLD-DIGGER. Even though this is NOT true in most cases, the men that could possibly have the courage to approach may not want a relationship just out of the fear that the girl will eventually end up leaving him for some rich guy.
In any case, that interaction with the Russian girl back in the day really opened my eyes. I had a massive connection with her, and she did become my girlfriend for a few years. BUT, after that, my conception of women in general changed. Sex was no longer so important, because the feeling of being connected to a woman was so much more fulfilling. And I’ve learned that the only way to connect to a woman is by understanding them, and by truly loving them.
After that experience, and before my current relationship, I made it my rule of thumb to only approach beautiful women, because of how much easier it is to connect with them. An average woman will be defensive and it is very hard to get her to open up to you emotionally.
Truly, I live giving value to the world more than anything. Experience has told me that beautiful women are emotionally unsatisfied, and it gives satisfaction to myself to go up to a beautiful woman and treat her like a real person. THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH MOST MEN. They freeze, they break eye-contact, they don’t know what to say… They simply don’t know how to treat a beautiful woman like a human being.
At the end of the day we are all human beings… We all have the same basic set of emotions, and it’s so wonderful when we can set them off.
My advice to women would be this: The kind of man that you want is a man that is truly in touch with himself, and the kind of man that knows women. Your average “military jerk type” as has been mentioned, or the “nerdy nice guy” is not what you are looking for. Despite your social conditioning, unless you are EXTREMELY lucky to be approached by a man who knows what he wants and is willing to pursue it (probably not going to happen)… You should get over rejection and approach yourself, no matter how many men you have to wade through. Also, I have found that the men that generally know life and themselves are artists… Look at classical musicians, painters, writers, philosophers… That is where the gold is. Eventually you should find what you want.
May 14, 2013 at 6:10 AM
This is a fascinating confessional, Steve. I’m glad you got to the point where you are now. Your experience and transformation offers hope that “hunters” of women can mature and grow and get to the place where, as you wrote, “Sex was no longer so important, because the feeling of being connected to a woman was so much more fulfilling.”
You nailed it when you wrote, ” THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH MOST MEN. They freeze, they break eye-contact, they don’t know what to say… They simply don’t know how to treat a beautiful woman like a human being.” Sadly, most men view a beautiful woman as a body first and a human being second, if at all. If you can change and leave your womanizing past behind, other men can get a clue and grow up, too. That’s tremendously encouraging.
The only thing you wrote that made me scratch my head was, “I made it my rule of thumb to only approach beautiful women, because of how much easier it is to connect with them. An average woman will be defensive and it is very hard to get her to open up to you emotionally.” I haven’t found this to be the case, although when I talk to women it’s almost always as friends, with no romantic agenda. I value relationships with depth to them, so I try to establish emotional intimacy with women as well as men when I first meet them. Women are far more responsive in that regard.
As for your contention that men who generally know life and themselves are artists, I would certainly agree that artistic people are generally more in touch with their feelings and passions, but I don’t know that that translates into treating women well. It’s an intriguing theory though, and one worth exploring.
Thanks again for your comments, Steve. I expect that women who read this will be encouraged by your awakening.
May 14, 2013 at 6:24 AM
This is for Steve.
I met a writer (who’s also artistic in many ways), get along great with him and he’s nice and I was amazed how much we connected. He hinted at hooking up but I didn’t believe him because let’s face it, after so many flakey people its hard to believe anything that comes from their mouth.
Well one day asked what kind of girl he was looking for since he claimed to be single. He basically told me not me in a underlying tone. Which then turned into how his ex doesn’t approve of any interaction I have with him, to how I need to stop being so flirty. So then he said to me how I was the bestest friend he ever had and how happy he was. I’ll be honest I was confused. The more he wanted to talk and spend his night’s talking with me and showing me all of his work. Then I wondered if I should ask him again or leave well enough alone. Well one day it popped up in conversation, he said I needed to find someone immediately because otherwise I would be lonely and unhappy. I asked him how he figured. He told me that I needed a relationship like the one him and his ex has.
Just like Jenna, Elizabeth and the other women has said. It’s not that we’re saying these men don’t exist. Theres just far too few of them and I know for a fact those type of men are married or taken where I live.
But I agree with what the Russian girl said, men want to wife the average plain girl and sleep with the beautiful woman. Unless they’re rich then they want the best of both worlds.
May 15, 2013 at 12:02 AM
thank you thank you THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ARTICLE!!! omg…ive been saying this for years.. i’m a beautiful woman…really yes as someone stated earlier.. a ‘model’ but more girl next door..doesn’t matter…NO man approaches me…and i have to go online searching for freaks who are hunters who try to use me. these descriptions are SO ACCURATE…and i’m glad someone understands and has taken the time to analyze the difficulties beautiful women have to go through. most men also seem very comfortable with ‘ugly women’ and it seems the ugliest the woman and the more unappealing she is, the more the guy will want to be with her…however…i find really ‘lesser attractive’ men attempting to get with me or try their chance, i.e. meeting online…and the ‘decent looking men’ always reject me….i’ve never had a real boyfriend– ever. i’m a virgin and it sucks. i can’t get a boyfriend, i can’t even find a man to please me sexually…it sounds crazy but it’s true. if you are beautiful, men just want to use and abuse you nothing else. men also treat me terribly…reject and mistreat me…as if they are so jealous of me. i don’t get it either because i’m really nice, kind and down to earth….but the sad thing is….even the NICE guys reject me…
i’ve never had a boyfriend, only one man who used me as a trophy to torture and never had sex with me… it’s hard..and sucks…this article is TOTALLY PERFECT AND SPOT ON….TOTALLY ACCURATE…
May 15, 2013 at 12:04 AM
Jennifer, I’m sorry this is so spot on that you’ve never had any experiences whatsoever with a decent, good-hearted man. I certainly sympathize with your predicament, although I can tell you that the idea that most men want to be with unattractive women is not accurate. Not by a long shot. I don’t know what your circumstances are but it sounds like you may be in an environment where men have little respect for women. And no, that’s not ALL environments, even when it seems that way. I sure hope you have better luck with men from now on.
May 15, 2013 at 12:07 AM
Jenna,
I’ve also had the problem of women (and men) talking behind my back and implying that I’m promiscuous. In fact, everyone has had me. I’m total trash…better to avoid me completely. At least, that’s what they used to say about me in my college dorm. One guy even went around telling everyone that I worked as a prostitute for tuition money.
As a result nobody wanted to date me. Can you blame ‘em? The one guy who did asked me about the rumors and then said, “It’s OK if they’re true.” I was so angry with him for saying that.
May 15, 2013 at 12:08 AM
I’m sorry you’ve been hurt by people who are acting out of jealousy, Elizabeth.
By the way, I edited your comment slightly (and other comments as well) because I want to keep this blog PG-13. It’s a good discussion, but I don’t want it to include sexually suggestive language.
May 15, 2013 at 12:20 AM
i also agree with elizabeth and others…its strange….men seem to act DECENT with other women but not with women who are beautiful. ive had guys take me out on dates..and after the first date expect ‘sex’ but will take other women on multiple dates expecting nothing. the guy said “i dont want to be used.” the funny thing is…im not a user gold digger…im the opposite..im nice kind caring…and i look nice and kind…and men label me as ‘quiet nice and kind’ so i dont get why men treat me as an object freak or someone trying to use them or yes they dont treat you as a human..you are just an object. ive been out on 100′s of dates..and after 100′s i can’t manage to meet ONE guy to date as a boyfriend. recently..a weirdo i met off the internet…took me on 2 dates.. we went to dinner once, and then to a comedy club/dinner type deal.
then, he said that he wanted to play tennis and took me to a place and said i could pick out any racquet i wanted. im not rude so i thought..ok let me get a cheap racquet. i didn’t get the jist of him buying that…but of course its his own fault if he did. we played tennis once he was horrible of course. then, he made plans with me TWICE even saying let’s go to the beach. the morning we were supposed to go he texted me saying “ok im going to daytona, i’ll meet u down there.” then he disappeared. the night before too he began texting me calling me baby and saying “you dont wanna be my baby”?? (he was a short hispanic guy and i wasnt sure really how i felt about him at that point)..i said well its too soon to figure out? then, after saying he’s going to the beach he disappeared…i had made plans to go to the beach then i thought…ok wtf? you lied to me and why?? he then wrote to me saying “well you shouldnt be mad..we’re just friends and you dont get that im a man and have needs.” again HUH?? omg…i said…even if we’re friends you dont lie to people and lead them on …then he began insulting harassing me putting me down…going nuts… i ended up telling him i was married and he hasnt responded since
also ive noticed that there is A LOT of hostlity from men i meet up with….they get angry and just want to lash out on me or put me down abuse me belittle and degrade me.i find this odd because im a beautiful nice sweet girl…why do they enjoy fighting with me and rejecting me? for instance i’ll meet up with men on first dates…i can tell the MINUTE they meet me how everything will go. usually men who can’t ‘handle me’ insult me right off the bat…or say “you seem nervous” rudely really theyre saying “im nervous and cant handle being around you so im projecting it on you”…this jerk was upset i ordered food…even a small amount–another thing ive noticed is men get FURIOUS if you eat…anything you do as a pretty woman…is being labeled as USING the guy. if you’re eating your dinner, they act as if you are using them for a free meal– other women can order 10 items and they don’t care. they can even order items and take them to go (ive talked to guys who proudly say their dates have done that and ditched them)…but if you are a BEAUTIFUL woman..God forbid you EAT your dinner…these men will CRINGE as if you are using them for food…seriously..this is how sick men are these days….so this person i ordered some food…then, we had plans to go to bike week the next day. in fact he ansrwered my ad and wanted to meet up first (meeting up first really means theyre going to reject you)…i took a chance but knew. when we left…he said “ok i can go ahead and end the night tha’t sfine”…as if he wanted more. then the next day…he texted me saying “oh you’ll have fun later”…i hada FEELING he was going to try to cancel or find an excuse. lo and behold once i got off work he began texting me saying “oh my car isnt working right its at the shop i dont know if i’ll be done in time” i think he was trying to ride in my car…finally i told him off or basically told him i think he was making up a story…b/c yes he was lying of course. then it turned into a battle…he had no desire to go to bike week with a HOT girl…he just wanted to FIGHT insult me put me down…he harassed me for DAYS just fighting me until i threatened the cops on him over n over again…then he stopped. ive learned that most men just want to FIGHT and REJECT beautiful women nothing else..no joke? they dont even want SEX just FIGHT and REJECt—and for many this seems to turn them on too??
if this was another woman…he’d take her out to dinner…go to daytona with her…treat her like a woman or queen…but if you’re beautiful..good luck?? you’ll get abused mistreated put down for ordering food…put down as an object, lied to and lead on then harassed..this is my dating life…this is all that happens NOTHING else…
May 15, 2013 at 12:22 AM
Jennifer, you’re saying that every one of the hundreds of guys you’ve dated has been like this? I think I can speak on behalf of decent guys everywhere that the men you have experience with sound like juvenile aliens from another planet.
May 15, 2013 at 12:22 AM
Steve,
The guy must have read that book. Was it about how to “pick up” women? I ask that because this sort of thing would work, I think, on a woman who has no real interest in the man. Someone who’s just interested in one night. If that’s all she wants I don’t see why she would be offended at such a move. However, if this isn’t what a man is after he definitely shouldn’t try it. I thought it was incredibly gross.
Yes, I think it’s absolutely true that men want a relationship with the average looking woman and want a fling with the attractive woman. This certainly lines up with the “offers” I’ve received over the years.
But, now I’m getting a bit long in the tooth so a lot of the trouble is behind me. I’m now free to start collecting cats.
May 15, 2013 at 1:01 AM
also i havet o comment on the things mzbunny says…again..
WOW…i have experienced the EXACT same thing from men. i get NOTHING good from men. they do the same– treat me as if i dont exist..or if they do approach me they are rejecting me putting me down insulting me in some form. i don’t get it? men cna’t even be decent or civil with me. now this doesnt go for ALL men…but for most. relationshipwise i can’t get a boyfriend either but let me explain…i am beautiful kind sweet compassionate caring monogamous loyal…HOT..yes tried to be a model gorgeous body…sexually OPEN..yes im even OPEN sometimes and even then MEN REJECT ME. NO JOKE. men treat me as if im nothing– and other women MEAN SOMETHING. like they would rather date and respect OTHER women, any other woman…except me. they put me down treat me as a lesser, disrespect, abuse mistreat, EXPECT things out of me, are demanding and if i breathe the wrong way i get dumped right away. now i can’t just be MYSELF which isn’t perfect but let’s say im friendly personable awesome and sweet…no…i get rejected for ANY given reason, while men run to thieves, liars, women who aren’t as attractive, demanding bossy arrogant women…i don’t get it? men seem to ENJOY the psycho women and bad women and just reject us NICE women then whine that women do the same to nice guys–not true. men treat nice women like dirt and if you are BEAUTIFUL and nice thats an open invitation for them to ABUSE and use you..
days ago i went on an internet date with a stranger– yes u can NEVER know what to expect, but he saw my picture–we had plans for dinner and a movie. most of the times thes days i already know…if i want to do a movie…i have to do the movie FIRST because after dinner there will RARELY be a movie. why? oh well…im a personable kind date—the guy sits there half the time…intimidatingly just STARING at me quiet..looking at me as if im evil just for being beautiful…while i have to TALK and talk..and ask the questions and do the talking..and be funny, friendly, tell funny stories…jokes…while the jerk just SITS back and STARES at me intimidatingly. then, when my appetizer came out..he seemed IRKED i was eating my soup..as if…how dare you use me beautiful woman for soup? thats how he was looking at me…its as if im draining his entire bank account by eating that soup…whereas in most cases…these same men will GIVE MONEY TO WOMEN but can’t take ME out on a simple date for food….eating that soup was like..me just being out of line. i felt awkward, embarrassed and the minute i was ENJOYING it…as if he knew he just began STARING at me and giving off this terrible energy…to make sure i didnt enjoy it…rude weird…then, once we left.. i KNWE just by his behavior..he’d say “well it was nice but im gonna have to pass on a movie because of (some erroneous excuse)” however..he didnt say that…he said…outside…ok so i’ll meet you at the theater? i said Ok?? i was shocked…b/c based on experience and intuition i was CERTAIN he would cancel….as i was driving to the theater…then, this jerk texted me saying “jenn, im sorry but im heading home..just don’t feel any chemistry there”…again HUH?? i mean…once again…just REJECTED…for NO reason…after I had to PUT out…be talkative nice kind funny entertaining to this CREEP…while he sat there treating me like crap….then in the end just REJECTING me…for no reason…and cancelling on a date. i texted him saying..but what? it’s platonic and huh??? of course i KNWE it coming it just came a few minutes after i thought…but seriously…why?? you dont understand…other women can sit there…be themselves…not say many words..the man will be asking them questions, be kind polite courteous. but if you are beautiful…oh boy..BEWARE..you will be LOOKED at as an object, disrespected…stared at rudely…intimidatingly…mistreated then in the end REJECTED after enduring this bad treatment…this is the DATING world for some of us….just MISTREATMENT nothing else. they won’t talk to you, treat you like a person…literally they’ll just smirk to themselves, treat you oddly, stare at you and give off terrible energy..treat you like an object. many times they are so intimidated by your beauty…they just SIT there and STARE as if they want to RUN off…most of the time i HAVE to sit there and KEEP them there…entertain them..be funny..ask questions…i can tell esp when they are TERRIFIED of your beauty….they sit there shocked, not knowing how to react…or staring at you as if..something is wrong with you…its terrible and not fair…but this is the dating world for some of us…..
May 15, 2013 at 2:16 AM
Thanks for both responses… I think this is a fascinating subject, and I’m sure there is something that beautiful women can do to find the right guy. While something I have learned over the years is that women want empathy over solutions, I will still try to provide a solution and see if this resonates with anyone.
I think that the solution is not really finding a man that has his own philosophical self worked out, because as ItzMzBunny mentioned, these men are one-in-a-million. You probably have a greater chance of winning the lottery.
The key, I think, is in the beautiful woman bypassing all the obstacles and social conditioning of those men that would be able to sweep average-looking women off their feet. Effectively, it is about the woman becoming the “player” if you will.
For example, lets take the writer ItzMzBunny referred to. This is a man who would spend hours showing you his work… It’s a no-brainer that he liked you. And, yet, something was stopping him from actually going out with you, even to the point of outright rejecting you.
It’s crazy, but there is something in the man’s head that is causing this, and I think the objective of the beautiful woman should be to try and bypass that something. At the end of the day, it all comes down to limiting beliefs.
Say that the man has been conditioned all of his life to believe that beautiful women should only be accessible to elite football players and billionaires. We know for a fact that this is the case, and this conditioning has gotten to the extreme in a society of constant propaganda and objectification of women.
What would happen is that if a beautiful woman makes the move, the belief kicks in, and absolute mental acrobatics will go on in his head to lead him to believe that something isn’t quite right, so he rejects it. This is very similar to a fundamentalist of any religion (just an example, not judging anyone) being presented with proof that God doesn’t exist. He would find any way too rationalize the invalidity of that “proof”.
Social tests have been done on this. While men fantasize about women just falling into their hands, sociologists sent women out into the streets to ask men out on dates, or ask for their numbers, even after short conversations… Practically 100% of men refused, not because they didn’t like the girl, but because it just didn’t fit their mindset that a beautiful girl liked them. They would rationalize thinking there is something wierd here, I think I better get out fast.
If a man doesn’t have these beliefs, he’s probably a player so keep that in mind.
So, following on that, it’s fairly obvious this is your main obstacle. How to overcome it is the difficult part. You would have to make the man truly believe that you like him and that you are romantically interested without setting off any of the beliefs. I think that with some men, just verbalizing this in a normal conversation and empathizing with the man’s social conditioning could work, but with others it wouldn’t.
It all comes down to comfort. If a man “rejects” you in the way this author did, keep in mind that he is not really rejecting you, he is holding on to his belief that beautiful women would never want to date him. So if he “rejects” you, it is not over. It is your job to make him understand that you are attainable.
Not through obvious flirtation (like touching him sexually, non-obvious is smiles and whatnot), because this would bring up his alarm quickly, but through deep-connection. Those conversations you think about for days because of how good they make you feel.
Essentially, you have to be friends with the guy until it is not really a big deal that you are a beautiful girl, and he appreciates you as a person. At that point, romantic escalation, even after a rejection or two, would be far easier, as long as you make him understand that you can be achieved.
Of course, the only way for this to happen is comfort, and comfort can only be achieved through equality. Men are very rational, and have step-to-step thinking, so verbalizing things will make everything smoother. For example, if he is putting you on a pedestal, tell him this, and tell him that you don’t like it and you would rather he treat you like a human being. He will get the message. Do the same with any other behaviour that would come from “beauty-fear”… Freezing, eye contact, nervousness, the fear that you will run off with some other man… Just guide him through your own feelings verbally, make him comfortable, and there will come a point where a relationship will be possible, and it will be his turn to sweep you off your feet.
I’ve spoken to many men about beauty-fear, and I have experienced it myself. I have rejected women in the past for this reason, which I am repentful of.
I hope this will help someone.
May 15, 2013 at 2:28 AM
Also, I forgot to say this in my previous post. Maybe it takes a few rejections before you get to the man of your dreams. I would try three times with a guy before moving on, always after building that comfort I talked about and letting him know you are attainable.
But even so, you should immunize yourself to rejection, if it really is rejection (just after three attempts). Sometimes a person’s situation just doesn’t allow them to be in a particular situation.
Imagine if you went into a room, and you were looking for some stuff, and there were 20 men in that room, and one of them had it. How would you find the stuff? You would go up to every man and ask if he has the stuff. 19 men would say no… Are they rejecting you? Of course not, they just don’t have what you’re looking for. Once you find the guy with the stuff, then you have what you wanted.
BUT, you will never find the stuff unless you talk to the men. Maybe you are lucky and the first guy has the stuff, or maybe you are unlucky and the 20th guy you talk to has it.
That’s just life.
May 15, 2013 at 4:34 PM
Wise advice, Steve. Your explanation of why men reject beautiful women rings true. Establishing a deep connection and friendship is indeed the most solid foundation on which to build a relationship.
May 15, 2013 at 8:06 PM
What Steve said makes a lot of sense. I’ve experienced it, in fact. I once had a man who was VERY interested in me tell me straight up that he didn’t think that he’d ever be able to have me and this was after I told him that I was interested! I liked him a lot and told him so but my words fell on deaf ears. I think he thought that I was out of his league. He clearly had some self-confidence issues. He finally told me in a very strange stilted email that he wasn’t interested in me and didn’t want me to bother him anymore. That one really broke my heart.
May 16, 2013 at 6:38 AM
Yes, his reaction is entirely consistent with what Steve explained. It’s a shame he didn’t have the courage to transcend his fears and conditioning. WIth all the problems and heartache that you and other women have described here, Elizabeth, isn’t it ironic that unattractive women dream about being beautiful, as if that would solve all their problems?