Men, Women and Horses

dave-barry

Dave Barry


I wrote an earlier post about what women want from men. It’s really not that difficult to figure out. But as the bumper sticker says, Men are from Sears, women are from Nordstrom. Nobody has captured the difference more accurately and more hilariously than humorist Dave Barry. Warning: Do not drink while reading this essay unless you want your beverage to come flying out of your nose and onto your keyboard!



THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
by Dave Barry

Let’s say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let’s see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed—even before I sensed it—that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty . . . scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their . . .

“Fred,” Martha says aloud.

“What?” says Fred, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have . . . oh dear, I feel so . . . ” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Fred.

“I’m such a fool,” Martha sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Fred.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Martha says.

“No!” says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that . . . it’s that I . . . I need some time,” Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

“Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Fred.

“That way about time,” says Martha.

“Oh,” says Fred. “Yes.” (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Fred,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?”

And that’s the difference between men and women.

knight-on-white-stallion



DAVE BARRY COLUMNS I HAVE POSTED

LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO YOUR COLONOSCOPY

MEN, WOMEN AND HORSES





Click here to view all my posts about romantic relationships.





Click here to see all my humorous posts.






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12 Responses to “Men, Women and Horses”

  1. LunaJune Says:

    I have been a big fan of Dave Barry for years, you should see how he feels about his dogs LOL and the day the patio cover was blown away by a tornado, all except the door, the dogs would go out and stand at the patio door and whine!! until Dave opened it or they peed or pooped on the floor..even though the could have walked out to the garden from where all the walls didn’t exsist anymore..they were so conditioned they could still see the walls.
    thanks for that..and the warning about not drinking while reading a good thing to remember when it comes to dave.

  2. Phil Bolsta Says:

    Ha! Our Brittany Spaniel did the same thing! He tried to get under a little “fence” framing the front door when he simply could have walked around it into the living room. Hilarious!

  3. Martha (TAZ31263) on twitter Says:

    LOL LOL LOL that was so good…

  4. Phil Bolsta Says:

    It’s the best!

  5. terrepruitt Says:

    It is funny, but also sad, because it is sooooo true!

    God forbid they actually say what they are thinking out loud.

  6. Phil Bolsta Says:

    Ha!

  7. nequi Says:

    oh gosh! it feels like i’m reading my own story…..mine and my special friend. Thanks Phil. Now i know better! So that’s what happened to us not too long ago. I’m now able to laugh at myself. I’ll share this with him and see what he thinks about this. I guess he’ll end up the same way. Hahaha!

  8. Phil Bolsta Says:

    Ha! Dollars to doughnuts that’s what happened, nequi!

  9. mel Says:

    Mr. Phil Bolsta,

    I agree women tend to over analyze every situation emotionally while men are more inclined to think about technicalities. They both can’t help it they’re born with this instinct. I think this is also the reason why men think that women are hard to understand and women think men are insensitive. Well they just have to compromise and meet halfway.
    You’re right, this story made me laugh.
    Thanks!

  10. Phil Bolsta Says:

    Glad you enjoyed it, Mel! I think you’ll like my own essay on what women want from men:
    https://bolstablog.wordpress.com/2008/12/23/cherish/

  11. Aroha Welsh Says:

    Men, Women and Horses……came across it quite by accident…….must say…….I really enjoyed it, had a little giggle.

  12. Phil Bolsta Says:

    Hope you had a few little giggles, Aroha!

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