My friend, Lori Anne Yang, wrote this insightful post for her blog. I encourage all parents to read it. Hopefully, Lori’s wisdom will prevent them from making parenting mistakes that they will later regret.
AN OPEN APOLOGY TO MY ELDEST DAUGHTER
by Lori Anne Yang
There is a sweet little drawing of a smiling face scribbled on the wall next to my bed. The artist is my youngest child when she was about three years old. At the time I calmly told her that walls are not for drawing, and then complimented her on her artwork. I left her original graffiti there on my wall because it is beautiful, and because it reminds me of the lessons I’ve learned since being a new mother of one child to a seasoned mother of five children–a span of 19 years between the oldest and youngest.
When my oldest daughter first drew on a wall, first cut her own hair, first filled the toilet with non-toilet items, first lied to me; I did not yet know that all children do these things or some facsimile. I did not yet realize then, as I do now, it’s part of growing up; of curiosity, testing, exploring, imitating or avoiding. I was harder on her because I was young and didn’t know better. Her actions were not personal, but in my own immaturity as a parent, I perceived them as direct affronts. I would overreact by making a big deal out of ‘bad’ behavior by shaming or lecturing her at length for what I perceived as big infractions. By the second, third, fourth and now fifth child I know better as a mother. I don’t claim to know best, it’s just that I know better the mother I choose to be.
As I sat on the edge of my bed looking at the smiling graffiti, I was thinking how much I wished I could change the parent I sometimes was to my oldest child. Then the phone rang and there she was, on the other end of the line.
I shared with her all I had been thinking about. I told her I was sorry that when I was raising her I wasn’t as calm and mature and as seasoned as I am now. I told her I wished I could talk to the mother I was then and tell myself all that I have learned so I could do better. I apologized. She laughed and acknowledged having to “pave the way” for her siblings and she told me I was forgiven. In turn she apologized to me for her teen years. We laughed together about pay-back. I loved her for the grace of absolution she blessed me with so easily.
I can’t go back in time and give myself the wisdom of mothering that I have now, but I can share it with you. (Lucky you!)
First: It’s not always about us. Our children are growing, stretching, testing. We can love, guide, correct, offer reasonable consequences and love, love, love them; but there is no need to bully, shame or just generally freak-out. Second: If we do freak-out or overreact (because we all do) it’s okay to forgive ourselves and do better when we know better. Third: It’s less okay when we know better, and we don’t do better. That’s when we rationalize, make excuses for ourselves or place the blame on our children for how we choose to react. We’ve all been there, let’s just choose not to live there. And lastly: There is great courage and love in risking vulnerability and humility. There is no shame in admitting fault. Fallibility is an inherent quality of the human condition, especially in parenting. Instead of defending our less flattering behavior to suit our need to see ourselves in a better light, admitting our mistakes as parents is important in validating what our children experienced, of honoring their truth.
A favorite mothering mantra of mine now when dealing with my children is:
“Stay at your center and look beneath the behavior to the heart of the child. There you will find only good. When you see the heart, you will know what to do.” The Parent’s Tao Te Ching by William Martin
A close friend said to me after I told her this story, “Do you know how many adults would love to hear the words ‘I’m sorry’ from a parent? It would heal so much for them.”
Wise words from another seasoned mother.
Lori is the proprietor of an enterprise that has perhaps the best name ever: Mammaste, which is essentially Namaste for Moms. Through its message, products and philanthropy Mammaste promotes loving the whole world with a mother’s heart and reminds us to see divinity in ourselves and others, every day. Click here to check out the Mammaste website.
Click here to view all my posts from Lori Anne Yang.
Click here to view all my posts about parenting.
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