If there’s a kid in your life who likes to laugh, Kids Pick the Funniest Poems will make a wonderful present. I wrote five poems for it (including the one below) but that’s not why I’m recommending it. I don’t get any royalties from sales. I just think it’s an awesome book that every kid should have.
Bruce Lansky of Meadowbrook Press combed through tons of poem books to collect what he thought were the cream of the crop. He then read the finalists to actual grade school classrooms and the kids voted on which poems they liked the most. Those are the ones that made it in the book.
One of the reasons the book turned out so well is that Stephen Carpenter illustrated every poem. He’s a wonderful artist and his work really brings the book alive. Coincidentally, I found out later that Stephen just happened to be the illustrator for a number of greeting cards I had sold earlier to Hallmark. Small world!
I’ve read some of the poems to grade school classes and kids absolutely love it. Lots of teachers keep the book in the classroom because it’s a class favorite. I’ve even received fan letters from kids all over the world, some of whom were doing book reports on me. Ha! It’s fun to respond back to them.
My daughter was twelve when I wrote the five poems that I contributed and we were in full goofball mode, so writing them was easy and fun! I hope you enjoy the book!
Illustration by Stephen Carpenter
I’M GLAD I’M ME
I don’t understand why everyone stares
When I take off my clothes and dance down the stairs.
Or when I stick carrots in both of my ears,
Then dye my hair green and go shopping at Sears.
I just like to dress up and do goofy things.
If I were an angel, I’d tie-dye my wings!Why can’t folks accept me the way that I am?
So what if I’m different and don’t act like them?
I’m not going to change and be someone I’m not.
I like who I am, and I’m all that I’ve got!
Illustration by Stephen Carpenter
THE MONSTERS IN MY CLOSET
The monsters in my closet
Like to sleep the day away.
So when I get home from school,
I let them out to play.
When Mom calls me for supper,
I give them each a broom.
First they put my toys away,
And then they clean my room.
The Mummy hates to vacuum.
So if he starts to whine,
I kick his rear and tell him,
“Trade jobs with Frankenstein.”
Wolfman used to fold my clothes.
I’ll give him one more chance—
Last time he wasn’t careful
And left furballs in my pants.
When my room is nice and neat,
I bring them up some food.
But Dracula wants to drink my blood—
I think that’s pretty rude.
When it’s time to go to bed,
I hug them all goodnight.
They jump back in my closet,
While I turn out the light.
I’ve taken care of monsters
For as long as I recall,
But the monsters in my closet
Are the nicest ones of all!
Illustration by Stephen Carpenter
MICHAEL O’ TOOLE
Michael O’Toole hated going to school,
He wanted to stay home and play.
So lied to his dad and said he felt bad
And stayed home from school one day.
The very next day he decided to say
That his stomach felt a bit queasy.
He groaned and he winced ’til his dad was convinced,
And he said to himself, “This is easy!”
At the end of the week, his dad kissed his cheek
And said, “Son, you’ve missed too much school.”
“But still I feel funny, and my nose is all runny,”
Said the mischievous Michael O’Toole.
Each day he’d complain of a new ache or pain,
But his doctor could find nothing wrong.
He said it was best to let Michael rest,
Until he felt healthy and strong.
Michael O’Toole never did get to school,
So he never learned how to write—
Or to read or to spell or do anything well,
Which is sad, for he’s really quite bright.
And now that he’s grown, he sits home alone
’Cause there’s nothing he knows how to do.
Don’t be a fool and stay home from school,
Or the same thing could happen to you!
Illustration by Stephen Carpenter
I don’t like doing homework,
I know that it will bore me.
But now I am much happier
’Cause Freddie does it for me!
He greets me at the door each day
When I come home from school.
He just can’t wait to read my books—
I think that’s pretty cool!
I give him all my homework,
Like history and math.
And when he’s done I give him
A nice warm bubble bath!
My grades are so much better now,
Which makes my parents glad.
Freddie is the smartest dog
That I have ever had!
THE TOOTHLESS WONDER
Last night when I was sound asleep,
My little brother Keith
Tiptoed into my bedroom
And pulled out all my teeth.
You’d think that I would be upset
And jump and spit and swear.
You’d think that I would tackle Keith
And pull out all his hair.
But no! I’m glad he did it.
So what if people stare.
Now, thanks to the Tooth Fairy,
I’ll be a millionaire!
Click here to read six other goofy kids’ poems I’ve written!
Click here to view all my posts about parenting.
Click here to see all my humorous posts.
ABOUT PHIL BOLSTA
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Tags: Bruce Lansky, Freddie, I'm Glad I'm Me, Kids Pick the Funniest Poems, Meadowbrook Press, Michael O'Toole, poems, The Monsters In My Closet, The Toothless Wonder
Triumph of the Spirit 
October 31, 2008 at 8:11 AM
Phil! I love this! I think it will make the perfect holiday present for a certain little one in my life who seems to think that taking off his clothes and being goofy is right up there with eating! (It’s so much fun!)
Thanks for getting the word out on this!
October 31, 2008 at 9:09 AM
My pleasure, Darcy!
October 31, 2008 at 9:53 AM
I will be off to the book store today! Love it.
Robin
October 31, 2008 at 10:50 AM
Music to my ears, Robin!
November 2, 2008 at 7:53 AM
Congratulations on the poems in the book. I can see why kids would enjoy them.
April 20, 2009 at 5:54 PM
Hi, Phil!
The book sounds like fun!
&, fun is a precious treasure we’re lucky enough to be able to generate. As the Beatles put it, “Fun is the one thing that money can’t buy.”
Well, maybe the money it takes to buy this book’s an exception! Hahaha!
Sunshine & Blessings,
Giovani
April 20, 2009 at 5:55 PM
Works for me, Giovani!
July 30, 2009 at 2:23 PM
Haha! I saw this at the bookstore last week (I think). About me: I was part of the Product Planning dept. at Hallmark back in Manila. It was a great, great experience. Gosh, the details in coming up with one card alone is tedious work. That was my job up to assigning the type of paper used and dealing with printer companies. Like, from A to Z of card-making, almost. I loved the photos, art and illustrations very much! There I learned to be more ‘softee’ and sentimental. Awww…
Thanks for sharing, Mr. Bolsta! I had a gut feeling you’re a Hallmark greeting card writer. =)
July 30, 2009 at 3:11 PM
Thanks, Twelveoranges! As a matter of fact, I did write a number of cards for both Hallmark and Hallmark International. It was fun working with them!
And please, no more Mr. Bolsta. Phil is much preferred!
May 15, 2011 at 12:42 AM
I love your poems!! Specially, ‘Freddie’.. It’s last para makes me lol!!
May 15, 2011 at 4:01 AM
I’m glad to hear that, Deepti! Thanks for making my day!
October 15, 2011 at 8:30 PM
Hi Phil,
My son, Suntosh, had to recite a poem for his class and he chose Freddie! Was Freddie an inspiration from real life?
October 15, 2011 at 8:40 PM
Hi, Mitosh! Thank you for letting me know about Suntosh and Freddie. No, Freddie was not based on real life although we did have a Brittany Spaniel named Kip at the time. Kip was a big, sweet dummy, very unlike Freddie! I bet Suntosh will also like these never-before published poems I wrote:
Thanks again!