The response to my earlier post on what women want from men was so positive that I put together this post to explore the issue from a different angle. But first, a few ground rules:
• This entire post is based on generalizations; obviously, there are exceptions to every rule of thumb. Some may protest the use of stereotypes, but there is often enough truth in them to lightheartedly convey valuable insights.
• The terms “attractive” and “beautiful” refer to cultural and media standards, not to a woman’s inner beauty.
• The term “good in relationships” refers to men who are emotionally available, good communicators, hunger for emotional intimacy with their partner and know how to make a woman feel cherished.
• Certainly, many beautiful women have found their soulmates. I am simply contending that it’s a mistake to assume that an attractive woman can find Mr. Right as easily as she can find Mr. Right Now.
FIFTEEN REASONS WHY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN HAVE TROUBLE FINDING MR. RIGHT
1) The more attractive the woman, the more likely she will be approached by the kind of man who approaches attractive women. This kind of man views hunting, seducing and conquering women as sport.
The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern to him.
2) To a hunter, a woman’s body is a commodity; he wins the game by getting her into bed. To a nice guy, a woman’s body is a sacred treasure; he wins her heart by honoring who she is as a person.
If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I’m still waiting, it’s all been to seduce women basically.
3) Hunters view women as nothing more than prey. By definition, nice guys are missing the “seducer” gene; even if they knew how to “play the game,” their conscience would never allow them to sweet-talk and manipulate a woman for their own selfish interests.
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
4) Seducers are more likely to suffer from the disorder known as IAAMATT (It’s All About Me All The Time). Nice guys are more likely to be empathetic, nurturing and other-centered.
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
5) A woman turns to makeup and fashion to boost her self-esteem and make herself more desirable to men. Yet ironically, the more beautiful she makes herself, the better her chances of attracting the wrong type of guy.
It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.
6) The more attractive the woman, the less likely she will be approached by the kind of man who is good in relationships. Conversely, the less attractive the man, the less likely he will approach a woman who is far more attractive than he is. That said, are there nice guys who are attractive enough and/or courageous enough to ask out a beautiful woman? Certainly. But they are a rare breed.
It is not sex that gives the pleasure, but the lover.
7) The kind of man who values emotional intimacy often looks at a beautiful woman and thinks, “She’s out of my league.” That is the overwhelming reason why so many women are wondering why nobody (or at least nobody worth going out with) ever asks them out. Essentially, seducers view a woman’s beauty as an invitation; nice guys view it as a deterrent.
If it weren’t for pickpockets I’d have no sex life at all.
8) When a beautiful woman gets fed up that only hunters are approaching her and decides to turn the tables by approaching a nice guy, she may be turned off by the reception she gets. In her mind, she’s just striking up a normal conversation. It doesn’t occur to her that she’s catching him off guard, and that even though he’s trying to listen to her, her words aren’t registering because his head is spinning from the fact that a beautiful woman is unexpectedly talking to him. The experience can be so foreign and disorienting that he comes across as a stammering fool. Patience here can pay off, for nice guys often have good relationship potential once the initial shock wears off.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
9) Since beautiful women are only approached by hunters, they understandably think that most, if not all, men treat women the way that hunters do. Meanwhile, the nice guys sit in the back of the room and admire her from afar. Of course, identifying the nice guys isn’t that simple; a man may be quiet and reserved, but just because he doesn’t act like a seducer doesn’t mean he doesn’t aspire to be one. The wolf in sheep’s clothing is just one more obstacle on the path to finding Mr. Right.
O Woman, you are not merely the handiwork of God, but also of men; these are ever endowing you with beauty from their own hearts . . . You are one-half woman and one-half dream.
10) When a beautiful woman repeatedly experiences the same pattern with one hunter after another, she understandably expects that pattern to continue. Frustrated, she may close herself off emotionally to all men, eliminating any chance a nice guy may have of connecting with her in a meaningful way. In this way, her fear of never finding the right guy can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We act in such a way that people finally comply and act in the way we feared they would act. You fear a person will leave you, and because of that fear, you act in such a way that finally causes the person to actually leave.
11) If a woman wants to be swept off her feet by a man who would also make a good lifetime partner, she is apt to be disappointed. The kind of charmers who are sweep-her-off-her-feeters are often the polar opposite of the kind of men who are good in relationships.
When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
12) A nice guy is primarily relationship-oriented; he may first be attracted to a woman’s external beauty, but it is her internal beauty he values most highly. A hunter is exclusively achievement-oriented; he does not value what a woman thinks, says or feels; all that matters is that she has a woman’s body and he wants to get his hands on it.
Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.
13) Beautiful women often confine nice guys to the Friend Zone. A nice guy’s worst nightmare is hearing those nine soul-crushing words, “But I think of you as just a friend.” Many happy couples have built relationships on the bedrock of solid friendship, so perhaps it may be wise to rethink what makes good partner material and be open to finding it from unexpected sources. Which brings up the question: Can men and women truly be friends? Yes, but only if neither of them has any romantic interest in the other. If even one of them is harboring hopes of romance, the friendship will reach critical mass sooner rather than later, at which point the friendship must either dissolve or transition into a relationship.
The difference between men and women is that, if given the choice between saving the life of an infant or catching a fly ball, a woman will automatically choose to save the infant, without even considering if there’s a man on base.
14) If and when a hunter decides to “retire” from hunting and get married, he chooses a woman he can possess for her beauty, not one he can build an emotionally intimate partnership with. What so many admiring men and envious women fail to see is that, throughout a woman’s entire life, her beauty can be as much a curse as it is a blessing.
Taught from infancy that beauty is woman’s sceptre, the mind shapes itself to the body, and roaming round its gilt cage, only seeks to adorn its prison.
15) Women who are less attractive to the type of men who only pursue attractive women are more likely to have higher-quality interactions with men. Why? Nice guys are often more comfortable asking out and authentically communicating with women who they feel are more likely to agree to go out with them.
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.
The fifteen reasons above are daunting enough but they’re based on beauty alone. What if the beautiful woman in question is also brilliant and a successful high achiever? Yep, timid nice guys would view her as even more intimidating and unapproachable. Ah, but in Mr. Right’s eyes, those qualities would make her even more perfectly beautiful. Paging Mr. Right . . . Paging Mr. Right . . .
THE FOUR-WORD SOLUTION
The solution to this dating dilemma is obvious. As a female reader so succinctly commented: “Man up, nice guys!” What she’s insinuating is that if a guy isn’t man enough to ask a woman out, he probably isn’t quality relationship material anyway. That’s not always the case, although a guy who’s intimidated by a woman’s beauty is likely to put her on a pedestal if by some chance they did start dating. Excessive doting might sound like a problem many women would be willing to endure but life on a pedestal can get old very quickly. A mature woman wants a partner who treats her as an equal; she will settle for nothing less than being authentically loved, not mindlessly worshipped. In short, a woman cures a man’s addiction to doting by acting as the anti-dote.
Demanding that nice guys man up is obvious, yes, but a tall order. In order to approach a beautiful woman, a man needs to have healthy self-esteem. The greater his autonomy, self-knowledge, and self-confidence, the greater the likelihood he will feel worthy of being with an attractive woman. In short, a nice guy has to stop dreaming and start getting after it by doing the inner work that so many guys are reluctant to do.
Ultimately, of course, to make a relationship work, both the man and the woman have to see and appreciate the inner beauty of each other’s souls as well as their own. When that day comes, external beauty will be little more than an afterthought.
Finally, the question that so many women have asked is, “How do I find a nice guy?” A good place to start is to look for a guy who is good friends with a number of other women. By definition, a guy who has sincere, caring, mutually respectful relationships with women cannot and would not be a hunter. Good luck!
Click here to read my post on what women want from men. If you’re one of the three billion men on this planet who claim to have no clue, the answer is very simple.
Click here to view all my posts about romantic relationships.
ABOUT PHIL BOLSTA
If you feel more stressed than blessed . . . if you have more confusion than clarity about how to live your beliefs . . . if you long to live a richer, happier, more meaningful life . . . you will find a wealth of insight and guidance in Through God’s Eyes: Finding Peace and Purpose in a Troubled World.
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SEE EVERY MOMENT AS A GIFT
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